My brother is very sick. I’ve been cautious discussing it, because my brother is … problematic, and my family is:
- very frank
- very dark
- very pro-hospice
… and when we use terms like “circling the drain” and “visiting the ice floe” it sounds harsh. Even though it helps us with the hard conversations, it sounds cruel, I am sure.
His bile duct was obstructed by “a mass” a few weeks ago, and before he had the endoscopy procedure to open it we had the DNR conversation. We got as far as parsing the level of acceptable paralysis. He was up for it until we discussed the acceptable number of paralyzed limbs. I heard losing four limbs is a deal-breaker, but hands vs feet was too much for him and we stopped the conversation.
He’s out of the hospital now, waiting for the biopsy, and he’s worrying about the bills for the 20% Medicare doesn’t cover. I want to tell him there’s a good chance those bills may not be his problem, and he would be best served by waiting for his prognosis first before he makes any lump payments, but I don’t have a good way of saying that. I don’t want to say “I’ll pay it all off when you die, so hold on to your money for now,” because it features the phrase “when you die”. (It also features “I’ll pay it all off,” which is not a wise door to open around my bi-polar rother.)
Evidently our family can deal with the touchy subject of death, but when you pile on the touchy subject of money on top it’s too much for us.
8 responses to “Touchy Subjects”
Yes, one side of my family is, uh, very direct for the most part. The other isn’t (and also has complexity around money).
I could well imagine things *way* to either side of the “I don’t really know?” line being easy to talk about (losing a toe? by all means, resuscitate; brain dead? definitely do not bother resuscitating unless some nearby family member needs to yell at me in closure or something) but things in the middle causing brains to freeze up and panic, because at that point you’re actually having to really envision yourself in that situation to get data out and… that is challenging.
Anyway, yes, hospitals will often set up payment plans, so that might be a way to resolve the worry while also sort of punting payment questions?
Hope this goes well for you, your brother, and for all other people involved. (and I can add prayers to that if praying is not offensive to you?)
KC – you may indeed pray. Oh, and he doesn’t want the “aggravation” of an automated payment plan. I know – I know.
Will be praying, then!
Some people only keep *exactly* a certain amount in their accounts, such that the addition of automated payments requires them to remember to transfer extra funds into that account in time to avoid bouncing?
Failing that, he might just be a general loony like most of us are…
KC – well the deposits are automatic, he doesn’t make any deposits himself. I think he wants to keep the good credit rating he has built up.
How do medical bills that you pay on time affect your credit rating??? (and why, if you are at That Stage In Life, do you care about your credit rating? I mean, yes, if you’re about to buy your first home and need a mortgage and all that, sure, worry about your credit rating, but…???)
Anyway. Glad he is home with popsicles. Will keep praying as I remember (which: brain is like a sieve, but it still sometimes works).
KC – you are taking a logical approach. My brother is 100% feelings. The credit rating makes him feel good, so he doesn’t want to lose it.
Ah. Credit rating as an identity marker. I’ve run into that before, actually, but not in people over the age of 50? But maybe they just don’t tend to talk to me about their credit rating so much.
KC – or perhaps their credit is established, so it’s not a deal.