Thursday Night
I had a sex dream. In this sex dream I masturbated. With a woman. It was not a good dream. For ME. I’m sure if anyone else had been watching HE would have enjoyed it, but a sex dream in which you don’t have any SEX is unsatisfying. I woke Gary up and told him about it, and he’d just had a nightmare about bugs in our basement. Then he got up and brushed his teeth. He had to go donate platelets for cancer research. I wasn’t going to demand anything while he was on a mission from God.
Friday Night
I had a sex dream. In this sex dream I performed fellatio on a stranger. Afterward, he was a jerk to me. He then left. It was, again, not a good dream for ME.
All I can guess is my subconscious is telling me “YOU ARE NOT SEXY.” And I’m sure this is true. Hormones are probably drying up. My exterior is pretty off-putting. My uterus is probably going to drop out any day.
Tonight
Well, what shall I do in “my” dream tonight? I’m thinking my subconscious will give a handjob to a hobo through a slot in a wall.
==========UPDATE=============
Here’s Saturday night’s dream. It would appear my subconscious grew impatient with subtlety.
I had no sex, satisfying or otherwise. Instead, I taught freshman high school English, and I was teaching the Romantic poets like Shelley and Byron.
“ROMANTIC!” my subconscious bellows. “GET IT?
The particular poem I wanted to teach was typical descriptive romantic poetry, five verses on how the sun falls across landscape, but tucked in the first two lines was the phrase “cock out.” As in “As the light blessed the balustrades, cock out, the early song of the peasants etc.”
“COCK OUT Get it? COCK OUT!”
It didn’t really have any place in the poem, but I knew the ninth graders would giggle, so I had to deal with it. I considered a lesson on the usage of “cock” in the 18th century. Or, perhaps it meant something like “balls against the wall,” only the opposite. I sought advice from other teachers. I considered editing to to “c__k out.”
During all this I was giving romantic guidance to a high school couple who were too shy to express their love. One was a pale dark boy with tooth problems. I was a go-between.
Then it occured to me, the way to solve my “cock out” was to delete it entirely from the poem. As in “As the light blessed the ballustrades, the early song of the peasants etc.”
“CUTTING THE COCK OUT ENTIRELY!”
Yes, subconscious, I get it.
“AND LEAVE THE LOVE TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE!”
I hate my subconscious.
14 responses to “UPDATED: Unsatisfying Dreams”
Tonight is payback time. Two hotties of your choice battle it out for who gets to rub warm rice pudding on your sensitive bits and lick it off. You are, after all, a sexy beast. Enjoy!
I don’t know what to say! I can’t possibly top the previous comment!
Ha ha ha! Also, ew.
I don’t have unpleasant or insalubrious people in my sex dreams. Or anyone at all, actually. I’m not even in them myself, really – in a hands-on way, that is. Exciting moments happen entirely by the power of thought. It’s all very mystical.
Stop with that thinking you aren’t sexy. You are lush, lovely, funny, and if Gary isn’t delivering, it’s time to step that up.
PS – For me, it was actually a relief when my uterus was forcibly cut (I was asleep) from my body. It’s not so bad, really.
OMG I laughed until I cried before even finishing the sentence. Hobo. You are killing me over here.
I shall never share the dream I had last night. I liked it, but not for TMI.
Mare – Thank you! I’ll be looking for that.Nicole – I think the rice pudding pushed it over the top. Big Dot – Hm. maybe it’s like the way they make music videos with very very old rock stars: they just have an attractive couple go through the motions while the old rock star sings behind it. Is it like that then?Becs – Gary had already chastized me for the earthy tone of this post. “Hardcore,” he called it. Gaoo – No. As you can see in the update above, I don’t even get a hobo.Marcia – Well, good. I hope it wasn’t like another of my recent dreams, in which I found my stepfather had ejaculated a puddle in the middle of my childhood room.
No, I’m in the dream and all I have to do to er, you know, is just concentrate and then, tra la! Happy moment! Very efficient.
I just made everyone in my section look over at me. This is HILARIOUS. and painful, which is why it’s so fricken hilarious.
Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places?
Big Dot – Well THAT is handy. I need to get me some of that.Nemo (Hello Nemo!) – Yeah … that part about painful being equal to hilarious? You decided to come by on a day I just posted something about a painful topic. I am sorry about that.~~Silk – Love is in the pantry in a bag marked “Cheese popcorn.” That’s where it is now.
Wow. Your hormones are BITCHES.
Tami – They are. Thats why I call them “Hor” for short.