We went out to breakfast, and in the parking lot Gary called his Mom to alert her that after we picked up a few items for her at the grocery, then we’d be over.
While driving to get the bananas and skim milk, I asked, “I have a shopping list right here of about ten things I need, so I’ll get those at the store too.”
“No. We’re shopping for my Mom,” he said, in his “Die is Cast” voice.
Okay. I rolled with that one. I can shop any time of day. No big deal.
At that moment, something “went down the wrong way” and I couldn’t breathe for just a moment. Then I was able to suck in a big shaky breath and cough. Oh, and pee all over myself. You know, just one of those cough-pees, because your body is no longer particular about where the fluid comes out after forty-five. Then Gary started pounding on my back, and I sucked-coughed-peed again, and I thought “Oh no.”
Because, I can contain the initial burst inside my conveniently-placed woman-pouch. The fluid just diverts into the fat little folds and if I walk carefully I can keep my undies fairly dry. However, all the levees burst on the second cough.
“Gary” I said, “I will need to clean up at the store while you are shopping. In fact, I might need to go home and change my pants. I might have really peed myself. It seems pretty damp.”
“I told Mom we’re on our way. We don’t have time for that. It’ll evaporate.”
I just sat there with my mouth agape for a moment, and then I thought, what the hell. What. The. hell. If my husband doesn’t care that I just peed myself, why should I care? Why.
I got out of the car in the store and noticed I felt the dampness went halfway down my thighs. “Hey,” I said, “does it look like I’ve wet myself?”
“Nah,” he said, “You look fine.”
Again I thought, “Huh. I always thought it was bad form to walk about swamped in urine, but what do I know? I’m not even going to clean myself up. Screw that.”
There was a momentary negotiation that I could buy my food, then we might go home and put our food away and I could change pants. However, that was a ruse. As soon as I got back in the car with the food and the shallow vase of flowers for his mom, that plan was scrapped.
On the way to the in-laws I cunningly doused my lap with the water in the vase. I figured that would at least dilute the urine. It also gave me an excuse to sit on a towel over at the in-laws. On the way back of course I made numerous references to how he made me sit in my own urine all day. Now I’m off to take a Silkwood shower and scrub up before work tomorrow.
13 responses to ““The Die is Cast” — Urine edition”
And you put up with that?
Ooooo, now that’s Gary’s dark side. Shame on you, Gary. (That doesn’t even get an exclamation mark in case it wrongly conveys a note of levity.) SHAME on you.
“Woman-pouch” – nice!
What Z said. Really. What would you do if your best friend wanted you to walk around, swamped in piss? Honestly.
Zayrina – I complained loudly, but, I confess, with humor. I could have gotten angry, but that would mean Gary would have dropped me off at home in a foul mood, and really he would have dashed off to his Mom’s without letting me come along. (We were shopping separately at the store when he grabbed my basket and hauled me into line. I was arguing that I wasn’t done, then I just realized I could walk away and keep shopping for my three remaining things.) Big Dot – As others have pointed out, I was complcit.Becs – a fair question, and to be completely honest, if my friend was as singleminded and devoted to her recovering Mom – the only difference is I wouldn’t have mentioned the pee. I would have just crossed my legs and asked if she smelled anything unusual.
My husband is getting a great big extra tight hug and a kiss when he gets home tonight. Never, irrespective of his devotion to his mother, which was considerable, would he have so disregarded my situation were it similar. There would have been no foul mood and no driving off without me. Reading this makes me appreciate that even more.
There is great variance in personalities and what one will accept in a marriage.
Oh and btw, stress incontinence is a bitch. I never figured on peeing my pants this early in my seniorhood.
What Z said. In spades.
alaindebotton Alain de Botton Modern society believes in Love and in Work – but, imbued with Romanticism, rarely believes in Working at Love.
A little bladder leak at the wrong time can really put a damper on your day. So why let it happen? With Poise®, you can give yourself one less thing to worry about.
Zayrina – I agree, you should give Santa a kiss. Becs – I think I’ve just begun to build up a tolerence to “accidents.” Hattie – Taking Care of Business and working Overtime.Sock Monkey – It is true, had I been wearing Poise I could have sat on it all day and felt refreshed.
Well, your birthday is coming up. I was stumped as to what to get you. Thanks, Gary.
I can’t really comment – still have not recovered from the whole ‘woman pouch’ thing. Must…breathe…
Marcia – Maximum absorption.Mare – It is so convenient.