Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: March 2011

  • My Fantasy Grocery

    Calgon would be sold by the dish cleaning products. Does anyone use Calgon for anything but soaking Corningware after it comes out of the dishwasher? Gary just called me from the Dierbergs, asking “Where is it? What is it?” I couldn’t tell him. I thought it might be a bath product because of the old…

  • Spunky Labia, International Toe Porn Superstar, says Happy St. Patricks Day

    She wants to be clear: this green color does not symbolize support for Qaddafi.

  • The Vibrator is Dead. Long Live the Vibrator.

    The last words of my favorite vibrator ever: “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ……… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz … zzzzzz … ” And the rest is silence. Dead from a short in the cord. Or it just doesn’t find me attractive any more. I went to the Internet to find its twin brother, and of course was led astray by its blue…

  • Breaking News 2011

    or In Which We Mock News Channels, not the Japanese People Yesterday’s news: First off, someone tell Soledad O’Brien the reason Japan doesn’t smell like death, like Haiti did, is because it’s cold. It’s below 40F. It’s refrigerated. It’s awful, but she should have thought of it. Today’s news: We have the slow-motion nuclear meltdown.…

  • Links

    All I did today was … clean the floors, make macaroni and cheese and creme brulee, and watch eternal tsunami footage. AND surf the internet. So, since I can’t give you creme brulee, here are two awesome links: When did we decide Atlantis was a real place? https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna42072469 The Scrooge McDuck / Inception connection: https://www.cracked.com/article_19021_5-amazing-things-invented-by-donald-duck-seriously_p1

  • A Polluted Mind

    I remember reading War and Peace for the second time. Every incident in life had a parallel in War and Peace. My friend Vanessa popped out of her tight dress? Hélène Kuragin did the same thing in War and Peace. I had a fever? Prince Bolkonsky had a fever. There are no earthquakes in War…

  • I Think They Call This Photo Friday

    Photo 1 Sometimes my drive home is just ridiculous. Photo 2 I love the CNN employee TALKING ON THE PHONE during an 8.9 earthquake. I assumed she was confirming sources and taking notes.

  • Earthquake

    I woke up after my weekly Great Lie-Down (I used to make it to Friday, now it’s crept to Thursday) and saw on Twitter – an 8.9 quake? I remember watching Earthquake in the ’70s with my Dad, and he scoffed, “A 9.0 earthquake? That’s absurd. That’s impossible.” But, those are early numbers. Five people…

  • My New Persona

    I have something in common with these three characters. Ethel Mertz Helen Roper Phyllis Lindstrom Yes. I am officially going to be a landlady someday. An absentee slumlandlady, to be more precise. A property management company is managing the property for me. They are the heavies, the rent collectors and evictors. They get the calls…

  • And Now, on a Very Special Hoarders …

    One of today’s International Top Stories took place in Jennings, MO, a Saint Louis suburb. Evidently, an elderly woman moved to Jennings in ’93, during The Flood. She went to stay with her daughter, who was a hoarder. After a while, the elderly woman died, and the daughter hoarded her. Wrapped her up in a…