My Fantasy Grocery

Calgon would be sold by the dish cleaning products. Does anyone use Calgon for anything but soaking Corningware after it comes out of the dishwasher? Gary just called me from the Dierbergs, asking “Where is it? What is it?” I couldn’t tell him. I thought it might be a bath product because of the old “Calgon, take me away” commercials.

There would be a grocery cow, and children and ladies all could tug on the teat to get fresh milk for a premium. Sour cream would be dispensed in something like soft-serve ice cream machines and be sold by weight.

They would not sell parsley in huge bunches, but in bunches measured out to be 1/4 cup chopped up. Similarly, green onions would be sold one at a time. Banana bunches would be pre-pulled apart. Watermelons would be genetically modified to be skinless. OR there’d be a little window you could use to look inside. Make that apply to all melons.

All cuts of meat would be single serving. Pepperidge Farm Geneva cookies would be exactly the same but the bag would be marked “single serving.”

Chocolate, like alcohol, would be sorted by quality, with the best stuff on the top shelf.

There would be no “Minute” Tapioca. I bought some to use in the Bear Grylls “Manly Blueberry Pie” recipe in a recent issue of People which I found pointedly torn out and sitting on the bathroom sink. It is Gary’s birthday month, so I made the pie. Bad. Recipe lies. It suggests the gritty instant tapioca is supposed to turn magically into something else while cooking, Why no. Gary only ate half, that’s how bad it was.