We continue to poke holes in Steve at work, hoping he will spill information about his impending baby. I asked if he would be putting the baby in the vegetable crisper and taking photos, because I LOVE photos like that. He said “No.”
No explanation, by the way, just “No.” Very abrupt. As if it were not a valid question.
If I had a baby, these are the first things few I would do with it. (Not saying “him or her.” It. Gender neutral pronoun.)
1) Wrap it up warmly and take photos of it in the vegetable crisper. And in the sock drawer. I’d put some ketchup on its arm and get the dog to lick it off so it would seem the dog was eating the baby’s arm.
2) Paint it up. Full makeup, rouge, lipstick, lots of eighties blue eyeshadow. And you know they must have baby wigs. Like these.
3) When the dog has barked his seven hundredth bark of the evening, we say,
“Mac? What are you saying?”
(High-pitched ‘Mac’ voice) “Bullshit!”
“Pardon me?”
“Damnit! Shit’s fucked up!”
“What is, Mac?”
“More food! Bitches!”
So, baby’s crying? (High-pitched ‘baby’ voice.) “Gimme the titties, bitch!”
4) Take a photo of it laying in the same spot every day so I could make a multi-media Flash piece to document its growth.
5) You know how they have birth certificates with the baby footprints? I’d get an ink roller, ink up the baby really fast, and then roll it on a sheet of paper so I had a full-body baby print.
6) To be completely honest, if that baby had an extra thumb like I had, you know I’d eat that part after it was snipped off. COME ON. What other chance would you have to find out what baby tastes like?
14 responses to “Babies. Why I Don’t Have Them.”
I am suddenly regretful that I never took a photo of my kid in the crisper when he was small and docile. Oh, well…we are planning another, so there’s hope!
I am CRUSHED that the wigs only fit up to 9 month-old-sized heads. My year-and-a-half old niece would look fantastic in the Lil Kim.
I’ll be emailing you a photo, because I’m not able to link it in a post while at work. It’s not a vegetable crisper, but it’s pretty damned good.
My son had a guy on his hall who was an above the knee amputee. He and his roommate went as a serial killer and his victim for Halloween. I had all kinds of “I don’t want this to ever ever happen, please don’t let this ever ever happen, but if does”, thoughts. I’m having a weird feeling like I already told you this. Hmmm.
I am so glad we aren’t the only ones with foul-mouthed pets. I told Jake that he has to be the one to talk to the school administration when our kid starts teaching the other kids how to talk like a pimp.
Ha ha, you sooo think you are funny miss Ellen ( so do I), but the fact is that if you had a kid, a real one, you would be too stressed out and worn out from lack of sleep to do anything creative with the little dumpling! Well that and it might actually cross your mind that some humorless dolt would report you for child abuse.
Velocibadgergirl – Wrap him up though. Don’t want a freshly baked kid to deflate. Tami – Cute! baby in a washtub! Wendy – No, that was a new story, and a good one.Brandy -It’s only Mac. None of our other dogs ever used bad language. Zayrina – Now, how can any of that be abuse? It all can be undone. Kid would warm up, or wash off. And if it’s eating the thumb then that’s just eating medical waste. Not child abuse.
I respect your self control in not asking to have an hour alone with either of my children as infants.
Caroline – I did pat your sons head. Maybe I was thinking about pushing it into odd shapes.
My niece in a washtub is one of the most awesome pictures that I have ever seen. She was not traumatized at all,
Tami – Well, no, and a crisper wouldnt cause trauma at all.
Damn. Why didn’t I think of all that? Oh yeah. Sleep deprivation. You should have told me all that when I was pregnant (and had a pen and paper in hand), then we could have done all that to the heathens.Too late now, they’re all opinionated and ten.
Hot Mom – You had the Dueling Colic Babies. You wouldn’t have known when to stop and then we’d have dead babies in the crisper.
You know, I do have photos of Nico in one of those old metal washtubs. He was fully dressed and a professional photographer took the picture…so that means it’s a legitimate form of baby as entertainment, right?
velocibadgergirl – Well, yeah, if he’s dressed. When I think of all my naked baby photos … so inappropriate.