Mary J. Blige hurt my husband. Last night during the Mary J. portion of the concert, I pantomimed my opinion of Gary staring at the rear of the woman in the next row. He pulled me toward him and yelled in my ear,
“I’M NOT STARING AT HER BUTT, I’M DUCKING MY HEAD. THE NOISE IS KILLING ME. I’M RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SPEAKER.”
We traded seats. He was right, it was loud. The sound was even distorted, and when you crackle twenty foot speakers, you must have it cranked up to eleven.
The speaker allowed me to dance, though; in fact I busted exactly one move, some articulated hip / torso thing that I was unable to duplicate, but which made the teenagers behind us stop laughing at me.
You know who can’t dance? MARY J. BLIGE. Picture the Elaine Benes dance from Seinfeld without the thumb gestures. She could sing, though. I still prefer Zepplin’s Stairway to Heaven, which according to her is the Number Three Rock Song Ever, so you know she watches VH1.
The warblings of Sarah M could not fully soothe Gary and I, and we felt bad all the way home. We slept all day today. Really. We went to bed at midnight and got up at 5 p.m. My head still hurts (no doubt from the horrible heat) and Gary’s ear hurts. Mary J! Beyotch! You hurt my man’s ear.
* (That would be Mary J. Blige, not Mari J. Uana. I told Gary I was anticipating a contact high at Wednesday’s Chicago / Doobie Brothers concert. He said:
“Oh, I don’t think Chicago fans are like that.”
I said slowly, “Doo. Bie. Brothers.”
He looked at me.
“Dooooooooooobiiiiieeeeeeee,” I explained.
“Oh! I guess you’re right.”)
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Thanks to Elsa, I was able to analyze that last bit of drivel and find:
I think this is the most insulting badge they have. Hmph. At least I don’t dance like Mary J Blige.
12 responses to “Come Here, Mary J, I Wanna Talk to You”
Noooo, not the most insulting badge. What did I get? J K ROWLING!!!
(I still remember the deathless sentence: ‘Hermione’s eyes moved from side to side as she read the note.’)
Big Dot- Of course I went right in there and typed something like: “OMG I have to write something so I’m like all urmmmmm whatever … yeah so right.” It said I was J.D. Salinger.
Bugger! I wrote: This is it. It’s time to do the thing with the words. What do you think, black dog? After this there will be no going back.
I was going for Hemingway, natch. Who did I get? PG Wodehouse!!
Actually, that site also has a “Dan Brown” badge … when I tried it, I fed it five different samples and got five different results. So really, I think I should get a “Split Writing Personality” badge. 😛
I’m interested in what your pantomime entailed; it must have been very good!
JK Rowling is richer than the Queen.
Stephen King is richer than Dan Brown
I write like Arthur C Clarke and he’s dead.
Money and being alive mean a lot to me. In that order.
Big Dot – OOooo. Burn. Perhaps it thinks you are making up New Zealand in a very imaginative way, like Quidditch.Wyo – That is really odd, no matter what I pasted in it insisted I was Steven King. So you have some variety. My pantomime wasn’t much: it was me doing a palms-up gesture at the butt, then a similar gesture at Gary, then the WTF hands. Becs – Arthur C died of post-polio syndrome like Mom.Silk’s Writer died of suicide.So, you’ve got that going for you.
I second Dan Brown as “most insulting badge” on that site.
My father was once driven into such a lather over a Dan Brown novel (pre-DaVinci Code) that I attempted to read it, to see what exactly provoked him. I didn’t make it more than 30 pages or so; I can’t testify to the quality of his plotting or characterization, but that guy writes some insultingly awful prose.
“I busted exactly one move…” Funniest line EVER.
That is why I bring earplugs to movies and concerts, because you never know when you need to shove them down the throat of the girls behind you who can’t shut up for one minute. Err, I mean, if you’re sitting too close to a speaker- yeah!
Elsa – Well, but it does move quickly, though.3 – I spent the rest of the night trying to recreate it.Elisabeth – I hate those girls! HATE them.
While I generally like the way that Dan Brown describes people and places, his puzzles are TERRIBLE. The difference between uranium 238 and uranium 235 is THREE. The best code breakers in the world couldn’t figure that out in a Dan Brown book. And for fuck’s sake, APPLE.
I read two books and stopped, because I was yelling at them. The movies are actually easier to take.
Oh – perhaps I forgot to mention that it says I write like Dan Brown.
Tami – I know! Apple, right? Why not make the last one the BEST one?