LobSlau, my celebration of the friends who helped me with cake and wine through my Mom’s hospice two epochs years ago was more subdued this year. This was because we had to fight the lobsters to death.
Stop reading this right now if you are a vegan or vegetarian. I mean it. Also, if you think lobsters are anything but over-sized insects, stop. Stop now.
A harsh fact: meat is dead when you eat it. Friend 3 brought four filet mignon to augment the lobster and confessed the only difference was the steaks had been dead longer than the lobster. I am happiest when my food lives comfortably and dies swiftly. I thought the boiling alive technique was swift.
Let me tell you, I’ve been deluding myself thinking that dropping a lobster in boiling water and clapping a lid on it immediately is a clear-eyed brutally honest way to kill a lobster. (Click that link if you have no idea why I’m killing lobsters.) This year’s first lobster was dropped in the boiling water. The lid was not at hand. Panic. I had to look at it with my clear eyes while the lobster bubbled away. I can’t say I felt sympathy, but I felt that beheading it first would have been better.
As #3 was turning steaks on the grill, I remembered grilled lobster is a treat. That would mean I either would have grill the lobsters alive, or to kill the lobster by my own hand. At about that time Friend #2 was holding a lobster over the water, proclaiming, “May God have mercy on your soul,” and it bucked at her and she screamed and dropped it in.
Friend 2 said her father made awesome grilled lobster and the lobster was killed and cut in half first. I followed the directions in How To Cook Everything.
I was expecting: Position knife, crunch, dead lobster.
What happened: Position knife, crunch, lobster waves its arms, reposition knife, crunch crunch crunch, lobster continues to flail, crunch, lobster cut ENTIRELY in HALF! LOBSTER! KEEPS!! FLAILING! I looked for a pillow to put over the lobster’s face.
Friend 2 (scientist’s child), explained something about the neural network and how the lobster was truly dead, even though it was still moving. Plus, she said I was supposed to split it in half so I had one left side and one right side, not top and bottom. (Half the images on Google Search support her as did the image I had ignored in the cookbook.)
She fought a lobster to death next, and even found the brain etc. Her lobster halves also continued to wave their arms at her. In fact, Friend 3 reported all lobster halves continued to move while on the fire, snatching at the grill wires with their disembodied claws.
At one point Gary came in from walking the dog (as I said last year, he cannot be in the house when people arrive; I don’t know why) and I cried, “Gary! Check this out!” I pierced the lobster’s body both up and down, then left and right, on its ‘crosshairs” as recommended, and held the whole writhing lobster up in the air run through with the knife. He likes the self-described ‘visceral’ Spartacus, Blood and Sand TV show; I thought he’d like the visceral lobster. But no. “I’m out of here!” He left immediately.
And finally, Friend 4, who brought vegetables to the table and kept all filet or lobster blood off her hands, who ran AWAY when I tried to show her how the little lobster pinchers at the ends of their legs will wrap around your finger like a baby’s fist, sat right down and enjoyed the lobster and steak. I respect that point of view too.
NEXT YEAR: wrestling cows to the ground and carving out the filets personally. Or freezing chickens to death, but that sounds worse.
We didn’t have the Jesus prop this year, so I dug out the Dead Hand
(The Yellow Cookie was provided by Friend 4, so we’d be able to “eat something else with a face.”)
19 responses to “LobSlau ’10: or, Death and the Unflinching Looking Upon It”
It was a grand evening, although we never remembered to search for a disease that prevents swallowing.Thank you for not making me kill anything.
Good grief! This trumps my Eggatha euthanasia http://travelskite.blogspot.com/2010/01/rip-hoochie-mamma.html to the nth degree. What carnage! As you know, I consider the freezer to be the murderer’s friend – did you chill the lobsters into insensibility first? (I wouldn’t put a chicken straight in there though – warm-blooded creatures need to be unconscious).
I especially enjoyed the bear feeding frenzy.
Caroline – actually, it could be achalasia (common in young adults) or there’s a condition that makes a ringed web or stricture in your esophogus.
Big Dot – Well, I might have to freeze them next year, but then what happens when you cook them. You must know what happens when you cook a frozen turkey.
Lob SLAU! gosh is it that time of year again?
crazy with dead lobsters who KEEP ON FIGHTING!
yeah, I like food that fights back!
OK GOOD! excellent!
can’t wait to read next years festivities.
btw, wasn’t it suppose to be a chicken thing this year?
Mmm, yes, mass vomiting and a Christmas to remember…
You don’t freeze them solid, just induce hypothermia so they don’t know what’s happening to them. Quick stab to the back of the head, into the pan of boiling water and Bob’s your uncle.
Of course, then there’d be nothing to write about.
I am as enthralled by this in the same amount that I was horrified by pie-pie-pie-pie pie.
I had to email links out to people so they could share.
I like your point of view.
I am reminded of the lobster killer scene from Julie & Julia:
Mrs Hall – I do hear crabs can put up a good fight, and oysters too. Big Dot – But still, wouldn’t such a radical temparature change affect the meat? I ate the leftovers in some Happy Family tonight. Not as exciting but madly tasty.Tami – Fine by me. As long as they aren’t vegetarians … neh … that’sokay too.Hattie – Thank you.velocibadgergirl – Cool! My brother said to watch that movie, especially that scene! I need to watch the whole thing someday.
I love you even more than before. How is that even possible?
Magpie – Isn’t your um – hospice graduation anniversary – coming up soon? You could kill a lobster.
It’s hard for me to imagine the lobster not alive with it’s tail cut off. As a kid, I used to catch crawdads all the time. My method of kill was to rip off their tails and pinchers (if big enough) and throw the head back in the water as bait for the other crawdads. There was a period of time where the head kept crawling around flailing its legs or small pinchers around at the fish or other crawdads. Eventually they would die but it wasn’t quick. Sounds mean but I would rather rip off their tails than cook them with their heads (a friends dad would suck out their heads after cooked, I still can’t get over that) plus throwing the head back into the water was giving back to nature.Phew, I’m feeling rather longwinded. 🙂
O Kllunga é lobslau… esta comprovado!Lobslau gosta de cerveja, é corintiano e toma Brahma… rsrsrs
Rayleen – it’s good to know that they were not ZOMBSTERS and ZOMBIEDADS.Aline – Hi! Eu mesmo não gosto de cerveja, nem mesmo cerveja Busch. Eu nunca tentei Brahma.(Translation by Brazilian Translation with help by Wikipedia)Aline said:”The Kllunga” (descendants of run-away slaves who lived in remote settlements in northeastern Goiás state, Brazil) “is lobslau … This proven! Lobslau like beer, is Corinthian”(from the port of Corinth in Greece) “and takes Brahma” (a Brazilian beer, originally made by the Companhia Cervejaria Brahma which was founded in 1888. The brands are now owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in Saint Louis.)So I said:I myself do not like beer, not even Busch beer. I’ve never tried Brahma.I think I might be on some thin ice, so I tried to be diplomatic.
While we are not having a LobSlau this year, I am thinking of you and the Queen Mother today.Also, my family had Chinese for lunch in honor of another friend’s deceased relatives. Long story. I decided the shrimp fried rice was for your mom. It was the closest thing to lobster on my plate.
Make that two heartless cows thinking of you today. I had dinner at my aunt’s and spoke of dead moms, although I and my aunt were the only ones with dead moms there.
Caroline / Mershy – thanks for thinking of her. I think I’m going to go to Schuncks on mid-rivers tomorrow and surprise Gary with a few lobsters tomorrow. Now that I missed the day it feels empty not to have murdered something.