Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: November 2008

  • First World Problem

    Gary took the day off. I called him at four to say I was coming home a little early, and did he need anything? “CAN you bring home SOME FOOD? There is nothing to eat in this house! I am starving. All I’ve had today is sugar-free gum and water!” “What about those two frozen…

  • I Was Raised in a Cave Where We Didn’t Have These

    So, at The Wedding Shower To Which I Was Not Invited, there was a group gift for the bride and groom to be. I had no idea what it was, since, as you know, I had only been invited the day before. So I was as surprised as the groom when he partially tore off…

  • When the Estrogen Fades, the Testosterone Takes Over

    When I worked for Elliot, I was known for my balls. I’d been there almost twenty years and had taken to speaking quite pointedly to bosses, co-workers, and on occasion clients. Then I quit to take this job. However, yesterday I was in a small group listening to one particular co-worker. I noticed he wasn’t…

  • This is Why I Like to Have Lunch with Friend #3

    At lunch yesterday I discussed the Jonestown tragedy with friend #3, Marcia. Both CNN and MSNBC had special coverage of it this weekend, and since I can only watch Fox for so long, I watched both “Jonestown: 25 Years Later” reports. I mentioned to Marcia that I’d gone to Wikipedia to see if the poison…

  • Dove of Prophecy

    I was at work, reading my email and eating Dove Chocolate Squares, the ones with the sayings inside the wrapper. The email said that a co-worker, Joy, would be working from home since she had a sore throat and didn’t want to spread it around. This is the wrapper of the next chocolate I opened:…

  • DoppleGary: The Reckoning

    Remember Return of DoppleGary when his creditors began calling again? Well, I hold DoppleGary’s finances in my hands now. Hear now the tale. First, a few months ago we got a phone call from a lawyer’s office looking for Marla or Gary S_____. “Who the hell is this Marla woman?” I thought, “Mrs. DoppleGary’s name…

  • You decide: No mat

  • You decide: Mat

  • It Would Be A Pain to Carry Your Groceries Down That Hill

    We were watching House. In the first few minutes, Gary said, “That guy’s got that thing – what’s that called? The thing where you can’t go outside?” “Oh. Yeah … acropophobia. That’s it.” He started to laugh, which annoyed me. I was forced to answer his laughter. “What is your problem? Acropophobia. Fear – ”…

  • A Classic

    So, once, there was an old man in the neighborhood. All the kids knew him as “Dr. Dolittle” because he was so good with animals. When pets would get sick the old man always knew what to do. When a bird broke its wing the kids would take the bird to the old man, and…