Gary took the day off. I called him at four to say I was coming home a little early, and did he need anything?
“CAN you bring home SOME FOOD? There is nothing to eat in this house! I am starving. All I’ve had today is sugar-free gum and water!”
“What about those two frozen pizzas?”
“Well, I’d have to cook them!”
“And?”
“I’m too weak! Starving!”
“So.. eggs? No, you’d have to cook. The chicken soup in the freezer? You wouldn’t be cooking if you just used the microwave.”
“Microwaved food doesn’t taste the same.”
“What about assembly? Could you eat bread and butter?”
“NO bread! There is no bread in this house!”
“Fine. Eat a can of black olives while I’m at the grocery.”
Whimper. “Are they the new kind with a pull tab or do I have to find the can opener?”
(Okay, to be fair, I didn’t remember the black olives but that is exactly what he would have said.)
Don’t worry, I brought him home lots of food. No bread, because then he might starve to death instead of using the toaster.
8 responses to “First World Problem”
This is one of a couple of reasons I divorced the ex. I would come home, dog tired after a 12 hour shift and have him tell me he was hungry. I would scream at him about being over 40 and so forth… I can’t stand that level of helplessness. Current husband is a peach. He does most of the cooking.~Z~
My husband’s ok with cooking, he just can’t see food that is right in front of him in the fridge. “Turn your eyes on!” I yell. Or, if he’s looking for something specific, “Visualise it!” Otherwise he won’t recognise it when his eyes slide over it, right there, six inches from his face.
My ex knew better than to play those helpless male games. In fact, when I came home for work later than him (this happened maybe three times), there was a steak dinner or hot carryout waiting for me.Somehow, this did not make up for the hitting, the wanton spending, and the OCD hoarding. Go figure.
The Husband does most of the cooking because he’s the one with the wonky schedule. If I get hungry before he comes home, I find myself something. If I know when he’s coming home, I cook. It’s a system.Total keeper, my guy 🙂
First, yea, that’s a man for you.Second, I had something either totally profound or witty to tell you which I cannot remember at all. But I didn’t tell you then because my laptop died and now I’m using my work laptop. So consider yourself officially on the radar of the Archdioces of New Orleans.And I’m going to think about it, because I’m sure it’ll come back to me in the 3 hour drive home alone today.
Isn’t that grounds for divorce? Even my Dad, who is also childlike, will say “Well, I used to have to cook for myself back in college.” heheheWhat would Gary do if something happens to you? Seriously!
Men. What is with them?Mine actually knows how to cook, but left alone? Eats peanut butter straight from the jar and things like that.
Zayrina – Who wouldn’t love Santa? And to be fair, Gary made a frozen pizza tonight because I was unwell. I need to play the unwell card more often. Big Dot – And thanks to you, I was able to say “turn your eyes on!” when he couldn’t find the pretzels in the pantry today. (As far as I know that phrase is new to this continent.)Becs – Well, I shouldn’t complain, but Gary is not a cooker. Never tried to make steak.Sherri – Gary sees me cooking and yells that I should just sit down and relax. I think his Mom must not have enjoyed cooking much.Overflowing Brain – Ah – you were going to tell me the Pope officially forgave John Lennon this weekend for saying he was bigger than Jesus..75 – When he was a bachelor he fed himself his own special recipe: Blue Cheese Boats. He’d take Romaine lettuce and pour Blue Cheese dressing in the crevice and eat it like a lettuce taco.Magpie – Tell him about the Blue Cheese Boat, it’s healthier.