Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: June 2008

  • Update Du Dog and Other Household Pets

    Gary’s has been feeding the dog nothing but a few scraps of Mighty Dog with an avalanche of this on top: Mac the dog gets a lunch-plate full of this twice a day. ======================================= The other day I was running the Roomba in the kitchen and dining area. I was sitting on the other side…

  • GNO Report From, Yes, Almost 48 Hours Ago

    GNO was Friday, and sometime Saturday morning I threw my neck out so that I couldn’t do much of anything but lie around and drink Riverboat Red wine. (It won awards! If I like it, how could it have won awards?) I was drinking Saturday at 10 am to reward myself for being a good…

  • In Which We Warsh

    (That’s not a typo – it is how Gary pronounces “wash.”) I really try to avoid Morning Gary, because I hate him so. Imagine Sickly Gary, but well-rested and feisty. Sometimes, though, I can’t avoid him, and I have to talk to Gary before he leaves for work. The other day we had this exchange:…

  • First Lines of Posts I Later Decided to Abandon: Part 1

    As I felt the emulsification of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts, pretzels dipped in cream cheese, Ben and Jerry’s, stomach acid, and bile creep out of my colon at work today, I wondered if perhaps I should re-consider my eating habits.

  • What Is It About Minature Food?

    God, I love tiny food almost as much as I love food disguised as other food. Look at the eensy Ben and Jerry’s! I added the spoon for scale. Ironically, just last year I developed the ability to eat just the one half-cup serving out of the pint container. I don’t know, maybe it’s a…

  • Mr. S________ Presents

    What with the S______ Estate settled, Gary has suddenly become more liquid. Liquid like a waterbed, baby. For example, check out the sidebar where we have the house countdown. Yeah, he did that behind my back. Takes all the fun out of it. I, on the other hand, can not make any purchase without reaching…

  • The Troubles: Part Two, The Troubles End (still essentially a humor-free post)

    Previously seen on The Troubles, Gary works too much and I bitch too much and eventually we hate each other. Gary uses the D word. After much crying, I got up the next morning and looked up “Lawyers, Divorce” in the Yellow Pages. Then it struck me that I was skipping a step: that marriage…

  • The Troubles: Part One, The Troubles Begin (a humor-free post)

    One week ago, on our 23rd anniversary, Gary and I were both looking up at the ceiling, and apropos of nothing, he held my hand and said, “I’m sorry I spent so much time at work when we were first married and having … troubles.” The Troubles began in 1989. We had been married for…

  • Bottom, or Nearabouts

    If it’s in boldface, it was typed at 7:30, half an hour after Marcia, Flossy Friend #3, drove me home from Happy Hour with Friends #2 and #0.5. (Average Friends: approx 1.8) I had two Purple Hazes, which Libby explains is a Long Island Tea with that wussy Coke replaced with Chambord. If it’s in…

  • Bleaaaahhhhhhk!

    Gary did something rare and special this morning on the side of Highway 94. He puked. He hasn’t vomited since he was eight. He’s 54 now. He has tried to vomit. He stuck his arm down his throat when he thought he had food poisoning, when in actuality his gallbladder was self-destructing like a Mission…