Mr. S________ Presents

What with the S______ Estate settled, Gary has suddenly become more liquid. Liquid like a waterbed, baby. For example, check out the sidebar where we have the house countdown. Yeah, he did that behind my back. Takes all the fun out of it.

I, on the other hand, can not make any purchase without reaching beyond the grave to see what Mom thinks. Mom, I asked, would it be insane to fly up to Toronto to see StevenPage sing Leonard Cohen songs? The Mom that lives in my head frownedand reminded me that was the day the in-laws were celebrating Father’sDay, so I couldn’t really consider it. (Oh, and this didn’t make that any easier, thank you very much.)

On the other hand, Gary is ignoring any late Mormon/Mason relative who may be tracking Gary’s debit card. Gary can spend money easily, especially if it’s for a gift. My birthday’s coming up this summer. I thought, hmm, I can ride this gravy train. I asked, “Hey, Gary, you know how you kept threatening to get me an iPhone when they first came out? They’re putting out a cheaper iPhone and I think it would make a good birthday gift.”

Mom-in-My-Head interrupted with, “Are you intent on just pissing his money away? An iPhone? I-Bonds! That’s what you need.”

Gary hedged a little at first, but when he heard people might be standing in line, he will be pissing some money away on a birthday present for me.

Well, Father’s Day (observed) at the S_________’s. was the ideal opportunity for Gary to give some excellent gifts. When Gary feels that a gift is particularly excellent, he doesn’t just give the gift, he presents it, in that he makes a presentation.

Say you are getting a primo gift from Gary. While you are unwrapping it, you will notice Gary rising out of his chair, ready to lift it out of your hands immediately. He will wait just until you look at the box and say, “Oh – its a battery-operated hedge clipper / golf chair / iPod.”

Gary will grab the box and read it aloud. “Now look, see, it does x and x and has an attachable x.” Then HE will open YOUR box for you and, in front of you, assemble the present, detailing all of the features like he’s on the Home Shopping Network. And YOU have to admire every bit of plastic or Styrofoam peanut. (Yes. He will point out how well it is packed.)

This. Takes. Hours. Gary’s sister Karen finally started unwrapping Ken’s other Father’s Day gifts and waving them at her father from across the room.

So when I get my iPhone (maybe) I will not be allowed to touch it until I have listened to Gary read the entire manual to me. It really is maddening. Really. Yeah, I’m complaining about my husband buying me an iPhone. It’s not like I can enjoy it; Mom says he should be buying me I-Bonds instead.