I glibly suggested to Magpie Musing that it might be time to publish the facts about my very first vibrator. It seems I’m having quite the run of sex-related posts. Ipromise I will soon go back to making fun of Gary.
At any rate, a hasty thoughtless remark is a hasty thoughtless remark, and now if I don’t post this it’ll be a secret, and next thing you know I’m telling you about that little incident on the Highway 70 Express Lanes downtown.
The Chanel No. 5 was not the only thing I rescued from Mom’s dresser. I found an old friend.
This is Dad’s Massage Master Personal Massager. It was always in Mom and Dad’s bedroom by the pile of books by the nightstand. There was also a number of attachments, including one I KNOW Dad used to massage his scalp.
The washer / dryer and the running bathtub were probably going to arouse suspicion at some point. And the corner of bathroom counter hit at a very opportune spot. (“Hey! Brushing my teeth feels nice!”)
And I was unfortunate enough to have hit my puberty before hand-held showers were commonly available. I know. Then again, I did leave the house and got an education.
At some point, I was in Mom and Dad’s room unsupervised and it struck me that, “Hey. That massage thing Dad uses? It’s kind of like a little … washing machine … that fits in my hand … hmm … when’s the next time I’m at home alone?”
The next time I was at home alone, I closed the door and flipped on the Wahl Massage Master. The Power of a Thousand Washing Machines on Spin surged through my new friend. I aimed, and, “That feels Good – HEY! TOO GOOD! OW!” It was too much machine for me. I mean, it loved not wisely but too well. While technically successful, it was probably the fastest and most painful climax anyone ever had. I dropped it and backed away. I put it right back where I found it and I never looked at it again.
Until Dave and I were cleaning out Mom’s dresser. I spied it and fished it out. I chuckled, “This is mine. We have history.” Dave laughed and answered, “Bzzzzzzzzz.”
So, I thought when I got home, I’ve toughened up. I’m not some child accustomed to the delicate buzz of the blow dryer. I have loved many machines in my day. I had to see if I’d toughened enough to take on my old nemesis. And, the answer is: no. Bad. Really bad. Technically, good, but in a really really bad way.
Of course, your first time isn’t supposed to be good anyway, but now at least I know it wasn’t me, it was it.
14 responses to “My First”
Wuss. We have 240 volts down here. You should try 240 volts down there.
Hitachi magic wand, I need say no more.
Oh, yeah. I tried a one-a-them back in the ’70s, and it scared me so badly I didn’t touch another toy of any kind for 20 years!
Hitachi wand – too diffuse.Little silver magic bullet – perfect.
No silver bullet could ever come between me and my Asian lover! ;P
I didn’t mean to be anonymous. The 240 volts come to me via a razor cum manicurer cum face (ha!) massager that is the only useful gadget my husband has ever given me (trouncing the illuminated magnifying make-up mirror that was a 30th birthday present). It has, of course, made him redundant.
I am so glad that you cleared that up. Even gladder that you followed through the story to its natural conclusion. All in the name of scientific experimentation, yes?
“” – knew it was you. So, you use 240 down under?Zayrina – well a web address would have been nice.(http://www.amazon.com/Vibratex-HV-250R-Hitachi-Magic-Massager/dp/B00005M1WE)Attachments!~~Silk – Yep. That one gets my vote too. Then again, I haven’t tried this Hitachi thing. Zayrina – I hate to insult your Asian lover, knowing how fiercly loyal you are, but I can’t picture this – it looks huge. Big Dot – THIS NEEDS A WEB SITE. Whats the URL? I need a photo.Magpie – I know, I embarrassed you in front of your friends. Teach you to give me an E!
Here you go: http://cgi.ebay.com/Norelco-Ladybug-Salon-Electric-shaver-Razor-Manicure_W0QQitemZ140235528008QQihZ004QQcategoryZ159794QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem What a wonderful thing is the interweb – I got my Device must be 20 years ago, and here it is within minutes. All the peripheral manicure stuff is long gone, of course…
Big Dot – that is hysterical. Everyone – I highly recommend you click the link. How many attachments can be used to disguise a device that vibrates at just the right speed?
Yeah. Thing is, I’ve still got the razor head. One of these days I’m going to make a terrible mistake…
Big Dot – Bwah! You kill me.
I’m afraid to bring any battery-operated tools into the house for reasons I do not care to go into here, BUT I have found a modicum of delight in those small hand held massagers, with the bulbous ends? Having typed that, I feel sorry for myself.
Candy – I feel your pain. Our situations are very similar.