A few years ago, I tried to convince my niece that Orlando Bloom was gay. “He must be gay,” I argued, “because you are 11 and have a crush on him. Your body has a biological clock, and while you are young you will be attracted to men who are gay and will not impregnate you.”
“No way. You are crazy.”
“No, it’s a well-known fact. Have you ever heard of a band called ‘The Village People?’ They were popular with gay men and very young girls. Even if he isn’t gay, he looks like a girl. Your body is avoiding testosterone.”
Well, it was a good theory, and it might have broken her stride a little. I know that theory applies in my own life. Here are my early celebrity crushes:
Garry Unger (circa 1972. I was 10)
Garry Unger livened up the Blues Hockey games my parents took me to. Sure, he was a lot older, but I resolved that by inventing a youth elixir. Because it was my first fantasy, okay? Shut up.
Stats: Blond, possibly dimpled. Not gay, but looks pretty girly for a hockey player.
Peter Tork (circa 1974. Monkees were in syndication. I was 11.)
Okay, really I liked Davy Jones, but I couldn’t admit to it. Everybody liked Davy.
Stats: Same pageboy haircut as Garry Unger. He could play Garry in the musical movie of his life.
Richard Chamberlain (1974. Dr. Kildare was in syndication. I was 11)
I know! I was pretty horny when I was 11.
Stats: Blond, dimpled. Makes up for lack of pageboy haircut by being totally gay in real life.
George Segal (1974. I went to see A Touch of Class at the theater. I was 12.)
Hello! Naked in bed! So not gay!
Stats: Dimples! Blond! Didn’t make me feel grossed out during the sex scenes.
I am happy to report I worked my way up to a man (my Gary) who isn’t blond or dimpled. And he does not have a pageboy haircut.
7 responses to “My Taste in Celebrities”
Oh my god, I so had the biggest crush on Peter Tork when I was a kid.
Ah! George Segal!Many years ago, I was in downtown San Francisco making a bank deposit for my troglodyte boss.Okay, this was so many years ago that I had long hair down to my butt, and a nice figure. I was standing in line and I turned around.Just outside the window was a beautifully dressed older man looking at me. What a smile he gave me! Heart stopping. In fact, I don’t think I’ve gotten that kind of look since then.The teller called me and like an idiot, I went up instead of running outside to talk to him.When I turned around, he was gone. When I called the Hyatt Regency just across the street, they said he’d checked out half an hour ago.Dang!
…I can’t tell you enough how glad I am that Gary does not have a pageboy. That is all.
While Gary did not sport a pageboy, perhaps his permed coif when you first met him should be documented.
Kathy – Peter Tork is the Thinking Woman’s Monkee.Becs – Heartbreaking! What would you have done if he had still been there at the hotel? I would have laid down on the registration counter and waited for him. Well, no, I wouldn’t have even called the hotel, because there has never been an intersection in my life between beauty and balls.Sue – Well, he looked pretty Peter Tork-like in our wedding photos.Queen Mother – That is a good idea. I would have done a Gary hairstyle retrospective immediately, but Gary did report unto me the Miracle posted above.
I still have my Garry Unger jigsaw puzzle from back then. Maybe I should put it on eBay.
Friend #3 – You know, Garry’s a born again Christian now.