Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: April 2007

  • In Which I Am Tacky

    Oh, I know it’s tacky to discuss money. Shut up. But I MEAN, this “Estate” business just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Stranger, of course being the operative word. In case you are just joining our programming: 1) Gary’s Uncle Stranger and Aunt Whoozits died recently and romantically and childlessly one right after another. 2)…

  • In Which My Entire Family Is Classically Stupid

    I sat in front of my blog.I stood up.I marched into the living room.“I have nothing to say on my blog.”(Gary grunts.)“Gary.”“What?”“Do something stupid.”“Maybe later.”I walk back to the computer.I return to the living room.“Gary.”“What?”“So, how are your parents?” Still nothing. I am going to have to turn to self-mockery. A Tale of My Own…

  • Get Me There

    How I give directions:“Type in maps.yahoo.com.” How I used to give directions:“Turn right on Elm street.Drive 3 miles.Turn left on Perry, then an immediate right on St. Antoine. It’s the second house on the right.” How my in-laws STILL give directions:“Pretend you’re going to the library, the one by the A&W*. Turn right, then, drive…

  • In Which I Prove Myself a Saint

    I love the Master Mason Gilbert the Non-Creepy New Guy. Let me start right there. Hear me? Love. Sadly, Gilbert’s one flaw is that he drinks. He drinks water. All day. I know, because I can hear him. “Sqwik. Sqwik. Sqwik.” – Gilbert unscrews the top of his water bottle.“Glug. Glug. Glug.” – Gilbert drinks.“Ahhhhhhhhh.”…

  • News

    About 26 years ago, I was picking something up at the college post office, and I overheard the woman behind the counter say, “No, someone else was shot.” I thought about it all the way across the quad. It seemed to have importance. It wasn’t until I walked into my boyfriend’s dorm and saw a…

  • I Need to Party More With These People

    I Need to Party More With These People

    Odd Tea Party. After years of teas that begin in the dark, this one was in the light. Even more strange: after years of relaxed adults and uptight kids, this year there were uptight adults … and relaxed kids… The kids were great partiers, even though Rebecca, above, was sitting on the cooler that contained…

  • An Open Letter to My Husband

    An Open Letter to My Husband

    Dearest Gary, You will never know how much your participation in these party preparations has meant to me. For example, when you came home with these cleaning supplies, it meant a lot. See how shiny and new they are? And pretty and clean. Especially clean. Because you can’t make a bathroom look like new with…

  • Tea-minus one day

    My husband had his yearly pre-tea panic today, since the tea is tomorrow. Every year when it gets twenty-four hours from the tea he takes a sudden interest and revises the menu. “We have no food!”“Really, Gary, very few people are coming. Most people have plans. There will only be about fifteen at most.”“It doesn’t…

  • Gary Is So Helpful

    Saturday: I have a big snotty sobfest over how I have to do all the housework and all he does is criticize the way I do it, blah blah, sob sob. After two hours of me crying loudly and pointedly, he finally comes in and apologizes. He also volunteers to dust every day and wipe…

  • In Which I Am Profane

    Yes, this is the post that has the profanity. It is not my profanity. (That would be this post.)