Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: April 2007

  • Gronk

    I was awakened suddenly this morning by a huge “GRROOONK” sound. “Damn – what was that?” I thought, lying on my side, my eyes shut. Then I exhaled. It occurred to me what the noise might have been. Then I opened my eyes and saw the look of horror on Gary’s face. “What the hell…

  • Mmmmm Piggies

    At an impressionable age I read this in one of the Little House books: But even better than a balloon was the pig’s tail. Pa skinned it for them carefully, and into the large end he thrust a sharpened stick. Ma opened the front of the cookstove and raked hot coals out into the iron…

  • Manbitch

    Our cube at work is lucky enough to be equipped with a Manbitch. One day, Robin and I were working over the weekend, and Robin said: “I want lunch, but I don’t want to go out and get it.”Manbitch said, “What do you want? I’ll go get it for you.”Robin and I shared a glance.…

  • Dealbreaker

    Gary? Annoying? Difficult? Exasperating? No. Because I know he could be worse. Long ago, I worked with a woman named Phyllis. Phyllis’s boyfriend was, well, exacting. One day during lunch, she asked the crowd of assembled women: “You all are married. Let me ask you. Do you rotate your husband’s underwear?” Come to find out,…

  • Nouvelle Cuisine

    Nouvelle Cuisine

    Here is how Gary has said goodbye to me every day the past decade: “Bye hon. Don’t forget to feed the dog.” Sometimes it makes me want to not feed the dog. But I don’t dare, because when he comes home he often says: “Hi hon. The dog didn’t eat all his food! You didn’t…

  • Mad in Bed

    Without going into too many details, I am going to bed mad at Gary. I know all the books say not to, and I don’t do it often, but I see no other option. Here’s my grievance: I foolishly opened up to my sister-in-law about why I take Celexa. (I know: it’s surprising that you,…

  • The Breaking of the Perfect Storm

    Since Friday, our dog has been vibrating in terror. He’s a little heated vibrating pillow snuggled head down under the covers. Given that the weather has been spectacular, I spent the weekend waiting for the earthquake/tsunami/solar flare to hit. Finally, today it rained, and the dog sighed long and hard and fell fast asleep. Since…

  • I See Color

    Someone on a message board I frequent (actually, the only message board I’ve ever frequented, thankfully, because it is addictive) posted: “I also like to make eye contact with anyone who isn’t white and smile, to show them that I am not racist, all the while probably showing this and making them think otherwise. I…

  • Lip Balm of Gilead

    Lip Balm of Gilead

    Gary was on a tear today as we drove to his Mom’s birthday celebration. He was behind on buying birthday gifts for his Mom because yesterday the batteries in his computer room were exuding some type of noxious gas. (“ACID gas!” Gary screams.) The pressure was on today, this morning, and we sped to the…

  • Pimp My Croissant

    Here is a list of foods I have invented: The Cinnamon Toast Croissant. 1) Have a tea and put your husband in charge of “Bread.”2) Wait one week. 3) Take one of the two-thousand partially stale croissants and slice and butter it.4) Sprinkle with cinnamon and sugar.5) Broil until it is cinnamon toast on a…