I love the Master Mason Gilbert the Non-Creepy New Guy. Let me start right there. Hear me? Love.
Sadly, Gilbert’s one flaw is that he drinks.
He drinks water.
All day.
I know, because I can hear him.
“Sqwik. Sqwik. Sqwik.” – Gilbert unscrews the top of his water bottle.
“Glug. Glug. Glug.” – Gilbert drinks.
“Ahhhhhhhhh.” Gilbert sighs with enjoyment.
“Sqwik. Sqwik. Sqwik.” – Gilbert screws the top back on his water bottle.
(Four second pause.)
“Sqwik. Sqwik. Sqwik.”
“Glug. Glug. Glug.”
“Ahhhhhhhhh.”
“Sqwik. Sqwik. Sqwik.”
Repeat. Repeat all day long. Syncopate it a little: sometimes wait five seconds before screwing the top on and screwing the top off. Sometimes, if you really want to shake it up, say “mmmph” instead of “Ahhhhhh.” You know, the “Mmmph” sound babies make when their bowels move. Then follow that with “Ahhhhhh.”
Oh, and then “Sqwik. Sqwik. Sqwik.”
But, I am a nice person, and I did not kill Gilbert. I didn’t even think about killing Gilbert, even after EIGHT SOLID hours of this. This is not to say I am incapable of virtual homicide. Several of Gary’s relatives have been done away with in my mind. Not because they are annoying, just they stand to inherit part of “The Estate,” so they must die. No one we know, of course. Still, entire families of relatives have met their end. Originally, I slaughtered them in a series of house fires, but that seemed cruel. So now they all die peacefully from carbon monoxide poisoning.
Because that’s just how nice and merciful I am.
11 responses to “In Which I Prove Myself a Saint”
dude, you need a white noise machine in your cube to get away from these people. 🙂
Is this a case of OCD?
Buy him a fancy sippy cup. You know the ones — they have the giant corrugated straw and little fruit section pictures printed on the clear plastic (or sometimes they are “thermal” which means you can’t see what got stuck on the bottom). You can find them at the dollar store. If nothing else, you’ll get a new noise, but he’ll only get to the bottom of the cup every hour or so.Failing that, earplugs. OBVIOUS earplugs. Tell him it’s the sex noises he keeps making every time he drinks.
How do you hear that when you can’t hear me walk into your cube to ask if you want something from the gum store? HOW?
Because, Caroline, I had followed Sherri’s advice and had my earbuds in. Because Jenny’s advice about white noise is good, but there’s nothing better than the iPod for getting away from Robin’s grunting and Gilbert’s drinking.Sue – good question. I think Gilbert just likes to screw, and unscrew. Amusingly, I drank some water while I had the earbuds in and dang I was loud.
One of my favorite things about having an office to myself (usually) is I can’t hear anyone else — except when my boss goes into BOSSZILLA KILL YOU ALL mode, in which case I need my earplugs.
OCD is my neighbor’s boyfriend, Dude (yes, his actual given name – Dude), who notices that some boulders around the 24/7 Gold’s Gym construction are out of place. Boulders? We have boulders?
Cool! BOSSZILLA KILL YOU ALL! My boss is never like that. Friend #3 – Duuuuuuuuuude! I’m so glad Dude is still around. Did he try to move the boulders?
I do not grunt!I “Huh…”
I think it’s only fair for haven’t met him to know that not only is he Dude, he’s Dude Jr.
Robin – I must correct you. You grunt. For every “Huh” there is an “Unh.”Caroline – I had forgotten! I did not forget that the Dude? Not happy with his name. There will be no Dude the Third.