Without going into too many details, I am going to bed mad at Gary. I know all the books say not to, and I don’t do it often, but I see no other option.
Here’s my grievance: I foolishly opened up to my sister-in-law about why I take Celexa. (I know: it’s surprising that you, my co-workers and my bosses know my history of depression, but my in-laws don’t.) Karen spilled to my mother-in-law, and now Gary reports that my mother-in-law is concerned about me, because she has heard (after Virgina Tech) that anti-depressants cause suicidal thoughts.
Let’s just let that lie for a moment. Let’s just sidestep the problems with that logic. This isn’t my complaint.
My problem is that Gary reproved me for telling my sorrows to Karen and indirectly worrying his Mom. “What were you thinking? Mom’s all worried now,”he chastised.
Oddly, I didn’t take that opportunity to tear into him with the same diatribe I typed moments ago into this post and just now deleted. I sat there, and thought, “What Would Gary Do?” (WWGD.) Gary insists there are times he gets mad at me and just lets it slide. Somehow, I can’t imagine when these times are, unless it’s when he is chewing or having sex, because the rest of the time I hear about it immediately. Loudly. And with not one, not two, but three implied exclamation points.
So I sat there and stewed, and pondered why I wasn’t hitting the TiVo pause button and letting him have it. Finally I realized it was because there’s no point. I can’t make him stop worrying about his mom, or her opinion. I can’t make him stop taking care of her instead of me. I can’t undo a childhood of “don’t tell [X] this, [he’ll/she’ll] just get upset.”
(Later)
Evidently, I also can’t stop stewing about this. I’m not used to this concept of not fighting. Poor President Bush! Is this how he feels? No wonder we aren’t out of Iraq.
(Even Later)
Okay, I’m over it. Here’s how it did it: I went into the bedroom where he just put himself to sleep and I defiantly popped one of my anti-depressants.
(After Midnight)
Okay. Now I’m starting to get why I’m angry, and why I didn’t say anything. I’m angry that he’s embarassed by me and my utter lack of shame, and while I’m angry, his position certainly is understandable. Probably why I didn’t say anything.
The horrifying thing is that he’ll read this in the bathroom sometime this weekend and think, “Huh? She had this whole imaginary fight with me?” Oh, Lord, he has imaginary conversations, I have imaginary fights.
14 responses to “Mad in Bed”
Yeah, I’ve pretty much stopped telling anyone in my day to day life about the meds I take. I’ve learned through hard experience that people think I’m crazier than I am. It’s nobody’s business. It’s only the business of parademics (God forbid) and your husband or whoever is nearest you on a daily basis.Honestly, the amount of meds I take scares me if I think about it too much. But it’s what lets me get up and go to work every morning, so it seems to be working.
I have imaginary fights too with one specific person. It’s the only way to keep the peace-but it isn’t really peace, huh? I sympathize (minus the pity part…according to wikipedia).
It is nice to see someone else has imaginary conversations and /or imaginary fights. I, too, do this. A lot. But then, anyone who knows me would chalk it up to OCS (only child syndrome). I talk to myself a lot as it is. About anything and everything. Not always silently. There, I’ve said it. The universe is warned. I talk.To.Myself. … or am I? Maybe I’m talking to the cat….
Well, I’d be pretty steamed if my honey were embarrassed of the real me. But if my honey had particular insight into how others might be viewing me inaccurately (Becs makes a good point) and wanted to protect me from that, that’s kind of sweet. I never know any more when it’s a good idea to let something “slide,” or when to just get it off my chest. I’ve done the former, trying to be generous, only to get all worked up about it in my own head and snap later; and I’ve done the latter, intending just to keep something small by letting the air out of it, only to have it turn into a Thing. I was a pretty clammed up youngster. Then I moved to California, and, you know, everybody’s in everybody’s business. I think I need to recultivate that air of mystery.
The one thing that got me through the entire rant was that Gary is more upset that his mother is worried you might be contemplating medication-incited suicide than he is that you might possibly be subjected to suicidal thoughts.Just sayin.I’ve done my best to say “Fuck-all” to worrying about what other people think. There’s nothing I can do about what other people think. They are going to think it no matter what. IF you were taking insulin because your pancreas wasn’t working right, no one would think a thing about it (even though insulin can make you crazy one way and another). But take meds because your brain doesn’t operate properly and oh HELL-o, everyone has to get weird.But I like the efficiency of having an argument without involving another person. Speeds things up a lot. You are a genius 😀
He’s gonna read this in the bathroom?
It would seriously irk me to contend with that. You are a bigger person that I am for not laying into him, Just what type of delicate flower is mama? How dare you contract MS, I am sure that upsets mama too.
Becs – True, it’s nobody’s business, but I get weird if I feel like I need to keep something a secret. Next thing I’d be telling Wilma I never wash my jammies.Autumn – Well, as it turned out, repressing the fight into my imagination just put me in a foul meed all day. I snapped at everyone, and finally I just went home.Sue – Sometimes I have imaginary, slights, imaginary fights, then imaginary reconciliations. Not an only child, though. The other Only I know does do that, though.Taster – Yeah, I resolve to be all reserved and mysterious about once a week, and then someone in the Starbucks line say “coffee upsets my bowels” and then I have to join in.Sherri – That is a good point: Gary wasn’t wooried about me. I should be proud and strong, but at times it would be nice for him to be as sensitive to my feelings as he is to his Mom’s. But, that would require that I be vulnerable and weak. And, actually, I ended up having the talk with him anyway(see below).Erin G – Yes, if he’s pooping or if he’s waiting for an apppointment those are Blackberry blog-reading times. He evidently moved his bowels today (good boy!) and brought it up. He made some good points in his own defense, ie: “You WERE depressed, Mom IS upset.” Of course he’s more concerned about his Mom because she’s the one in the emotional state at this moment, whereas I’m all good.Zayrini – (Hi!) Yeah, his mama is delicate. And the MS thing did upset his mama, so much that MY MAMA had to cheer her up while I was in the hospital. Yep. It appears she has dibs on all emotions. Update: Wilma put me on a prayer chain! How ’bout that. So if I get a gun and kill other people and then myself, blame God and Wilma for falling down on the job.
dude, is she from the south? You know, we southerners don’t talk about such delicate subjects. We only whisper about them. Maybe you should have whispered to SIL.Also, the thing she read is partly true, she just missed the important part: studies are showing that antidepressents seem to cause suicidal tendencies in kids and teens. Its a hormonal shift/puberty thing. REDRUM. So next time you whisper to her about it, you can mention that part.
“REDRUM” made me snort my coffee.
The Queen is aging backwards, though, so she’s about due to hit puberty again. Maybe Wilma has cause for concern.And Gary, when you read this, please spray.
And now I’m picturing Jonathan Winters on Mork & Mindy. Not pleasant.
Again-I do the same thing!!!! I’m not gonna lie, while it’s slightly creepy it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Caroline – this is a good point. But you are just thinking along those lines because you don’t want a disgruntled co-worker someday.Jenny – I have never before regretted that I never watched Mork and Mindy, but I haven’t. Wasn’t Jonathon Winters like a giant baby?Autumn – I dont know if I’ll do it again. It was much longer than a real fight. I prefer speed fighting to this.