Thoughts From the Bathroom at 11-11 Mississippi

Also titled: In Which we Move Our Bowels for an Inordinate Length of Time

– Owwww.
– What did I eat?
– Was it the Key Lime Martini followed by the glass of wine? What was that white wine? It didn’t taste like stomach acid.
– This bathroom floor is dirty.
– Was it the butternut squash soup followed by the gratin potatoes and half a steak?
– Did I eat any raw egg whites?
– Owwww.
– Why did I order fat soup followed by fat with a side of fat?
– How long have I been in here so far? People will talk.
– Catherine’s eaten out with me before. She’ll cover me.
– I wish I had Tammi’s hair.
– I wish I had Damon’s apartment.
– I hate my shoes.
– Crap! How many people just walked in? Four shoes. Cool no pressure. Just stay quiet and wait them out.
– [courtesy flush]
– I am now eliminating food I had as a child.
– It must have been forty minutes by now.
– I bet my dessert’s here.
– I hope they aren’t waiting on me to start dessert.
– I bet they ate my dessert.
– Okay, I’m done.
[washes hands]
-Okay, I’m not done.
– How stupid did I sound tonight? Where did I hear that rumor about blood in wine?
– More women! Get out of my bathroom!
– Really, I need to find some slides that don’t look like Crocs.
– Okay. Now I’m done.

And, except for a stop on Highway Forty on the way home, I was done. They had started dessert, they had discussed my absence, Catherine had covered me, they were chowing down on my dessert when I got out but they had left me bites of their desserts on the corners of the plate.