(*It’s sad so few people know the 80’s funk band L.T.D.)
Here’s a glimpse at the level of discourse by three drunk women at Marcia’s condo for an impromptu Girl’s Night Out last night.
Marcia: Ash a Jew, I can tell yew that Jews have been blamed for cenchurries for the death of Christ.
Ellen: Lissen, I know in my Southern Baptist church, populated by the most narrow-minded of bigots, noone even told me Jews [Individuals of the Jewish Persuasion] killed Christ. Nevvuh.
Marcia: No, it’s all through the Pauline epissles about it. You know, the letters the Apossle Paul wrote.
Ellen: Paul wazzn’t a apostle!
Libby: (Snorts) Yuh-huh!
Ellen: He was NOT an apostle. He never even met Jezzuz.
Libby: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Simon Peter, Peter, James…
Marcia: Go Libby!
Libby: James… Thaddeus
Ellen: Doubting Thomas
Marcia: And PAUL!
Ellen: Jew! [Individual of the Jewish Persuasion!] A Jew [An Individual of the Jewish Persuasion] is trying to tell me who the apossles are!
Marcia: Libby was a Catholic.
Ellen: Wuzzzz. Now she’s an agnostic. Jew! [Individual of the Jewish Persuasion!] Agnostic! Whores!
(Marcia staggers to get a book out of her lovely new Broyhill bookcase that everyone has commented on. She hands Why THEY Think the Jews Killed Jesus to Libby, who looks up Paul in the index.)
Ellen: Nonononooooo. Paul came after the Apossles, and he was named Saul, and he persecuted the Christians, and he was struck by a vision on the road to Damascus and a sheet came down holding pigs and now we can all eat pork. (pause) But maybe there was an apossle ALSO named Paul –
Marcia: (shouting) Bullshit!
Libby: (reading) ‘The ” (significant pause) “APOSTLE ” (significant pause) “Paul was discounted by many Jews – “
Ellen: He wuzznt one of the original twelve.
Marcia: (shouting) Bullshit!
Ellen: He duzznt even show UP until Verse one, chapter one of Acts, whores!
Libby: (giggling and snorting) Acts (pause) OF THE APOSTLES!
Ellen: (staggering around gorgeous well-appointed condo) Wikipedia! Where’s your goddamn computer, Jew? [individual of the Jewish Persuasion?]
Libby: (on the phone to Caroline’s husband Brennan) Is Caroline coming to Girl’s Night? Can you ask her to bring her Bible?
Ellen: (on cell to Gary) Gary! Was Paul an Aposslle? Wasn’t he named Saul and then he was on the road to Damashcush?
Gary the Traitor Husband: Are you insane? Of course he was an apostle.
Marcia: (on computer) Wikipedia says Simon Peter, Andrew, James, John –
Libby: (nodding sagely) They were brothers.
Marcia: Philip, Batholomew, Thomas
Libby: That’s seven.
Marcia: James the Less, Matthew, Simon, Judas Iscariot.
Ellen: You are screwed! No Paul! (begins dance of victory).
Libby: She’s not done. That’s only eleven.
Marcia: (Knowing she is screwed) Shit. There sheems to be some debate here on number twelve. But it does call Paul the thirteenth apozzul.
Thus ensued a debate on the original terms of the conflict, if it was “Paul is an apostle,” “original 12 apostles,” or if it was “Paul never met Jesus.” Terms are clarified to be Paul never met Jesus. Ellen pushes that Jesus has to be wearing a “HI! I’m Jesus” name tag. The winner gets Starbucks and a scone. Pinkies are shaken. Caroline arrives. Drunk women fall on her and tear the family Bible out of her hands.
Ellen: Acts Nine, Verse One: But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus … blah blah blah … suddenly a light from heaven flashed about him. And he fell to the ground and heard a voice saying to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” And he said, “Who are you, Lord?” And he said, “I am Jesus -“
Marcia: HI! I’m Jesus!
Ellen: Shut UP! I won the bet.
Marcia and Libby: (shouting) Nuh-uh! He met Jezzus!
Ellen: Dead Jezzus!
Marcia the JEW: [INDIVIDUAL OF THE JEWISH PERSUASION:] Resurrected Jesus!
Libby: The Living God!
So, anyway. Damn loopholes. I still think I won.
11 responses to “And when we PARTY, we PARTY-HARDY*”
I am SOOOOO sending a memo to Susanne on Monday about this Jew-bashing crap.
P.S. I wasn’t drunk.
P.P.S. And may I remind you, I didn’t just declare out of the blue “Jews have been blamed for cenchurries for the death of Christ.” In my defense, it was in reply to your commentary that growing up, you’d never heard the Jews blamed for killing Christ. I can’t help it if you had a more enlightened religious upbringing than the ones who’d informed *me* growing up “didn’t you guys kill Jesus?” So… :-P~~~~~~
P.P.P.S. And furthermore, when I said the New Testament was based on letters written by the Apostle Paul, you declared “Paul was NOT an Apostle, Jew!” To which, the Agnostic and the Jew replied in unison, “Yes, he was.”Gainsaying ensued, and you then you announced “He wasn’t one of the original twelve!”
P.P.P.P.S. You owe me a latte and a scone.
(Okay, I was just sitting here wailing that I seem to have lost my Starbucks card that I just recently loaded up with fifty bucks.)I admit that I was not clear in my orginal contention. What I should have said was “Paul was not in the Last Supper painting.”And, my ASS you were not drunk. I didn’t bring the breathalyzer, but I know both you and Libby were drunk because you laughed at everything I said. Yeah, you didn’t just announce out of the blue, but I just didn’t remember how we ended up talking about religion again. But then, how did we get from religion to Mary Kay Letourneau and toe porn and googling fellow employees?And thank you for throwing the GNO. I had a great time. Do you still have the irregular Oreos?
Perhaps Libby and I laughed because everything you said was, I don’t know… funny?And you’re quite welcome. I had fun, too! And Libby took her irregular Oreos and went home. Better to fight the Oreos there than here.
Hey! Is my punishment for being late that I’m mentioned as a mere footnote in the blog? I brought a BIBLE, damn it! and I did the googling!Knitting, anyone?
A) I wasn’t raised Catholic. That’s Caroline’s distinction.B) I wasn’t drunk, Ellen was.C) Paul was an Apostle otherwise he wouldn’t have been listed in the Acts of the Apostles. “Apostle” means teacher, goofball.
I refer everyone to the many definitions of Apostle on dictionary.com:http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=apostle
Snob.