Eye Ick

I knew I was in trouble when the ophthalmologist began reeling off a string of code numbers for the technician to transcribe. 5-D-8-inner. 8-D-2-mid.

Then she turned to me and said, “Well, we’ve discussed your dry eyes before.”

“Yes,” I said. I remember I was surprised, because I don’t feel like I have dry eyes, but I have been assured it is an issue.

‘Well,” she continued, “your age and your dry eyes and your immune system all combine to make your eyes an ideal habitat for mites.”

“Everyone has mites,” I volunteered, thinking, honey, my husband is the expert on gross things that live on your face. This is not news to me. I was very cool about it.

“That is true. You have a lot of them, though, in your lashes.”

“Oh, the ones that cause blepharitis?” I said, casually. (See me using “blepharitis” and not just saying “eye styes.” So cool, so casual.) “I had two styes already this summer, but just a damp washcloth gets rid of them in a day.”

“And they will keep coming back,” she said, “unless you get rid of the mites that are causing them, and that requires a medication called XDEMVY. It is quite expensive, but if you need financial assistance you can apply for a grant.”

“Okay,” I said, thinking, coolly, I will not need a grant, madam, I can pay to kill my own mites.

And I continued to be cool UNTIL TODAY WHEN I READ FURTHER MITE DETAILS — specifically, how I went from a normal number of mites to Mite Overpopulation.

I go to sleep, and when the lights are off, this happens:

Mr. Mite crawls out of my eyelash pore or face pore (either will do).

Mr. Mite takes his penis (YES) which is inconveniently positioned on his BACK (YES) and through artful maneuvering inserts his BACK-PENIS into Mrs. Mite’s vulva (which is by her legs, as it should be). I first imagined Mrs. Mite might do a handstand inside my pore so her private parts protrude and then Mr. Mite might roll on her, but in reality they both climb up on an eyelash or face hair.

And then he ejaculates. THIS IS NOT COOL. I draw the line here. NOT. COOL.

If the positioning doesn’t work out then Mr. Mite’s baby mite batter just dribbles down the hair into my pore (AGAIN, SO. NOT. COOL.) and impregnates his wife in an indirect and disappointing way.

Then the babies are birthed into my pore, and New Mommy and Daddy Mite crawl onto my skin, and there they die. I am cool with that.

Even worse, when it occurred to me that the mites are not legally wed, that it’s just a mite Fuckfest On My FACE every night when the lights go out, just a back-penis / pore pregnancy FaceFuckfest, that was when I made plans.

Plans:

1. Do not turn out the lights at night.
2. Call to see if the eye doctor has submitted the prescription yet.
3. Get this image out of my head. It is a skinny mite penis. (See it below centered in the white dashed circle by the arrow I added because mite penises are very small). (Original non-annotated Image can be found on the IFLS web site.