Last month my only Facebook responsibility was to announce celebrity deaths.
This month I have an added duty: outing the Coronavirus Task Force Briefing Face-Touchers.
I watch every Coronavirus Task Force Briefing, every day, every minute, and document when a doctor or politico moves their viruses closer to their respiratory systems.
I understand when some people touch their faces. Recently Agriculture secretary Sonny Perdue isn’t a doctor, and I assume he’s the Perdue Chicken Magnate, so even thought he touched his face a record eleven times, I forgive him.
I forgive him. He makes no claims to be a doctor or a President.
Actually the president touches his face, on average, only once per briefing.
He isn’t a doctor, like Secretary Ben Carson, shown here coughing directly into his hand:
The people I look to, the ones I ask the most of, are the doctors. Doctor Scarf (I can’t tell you her real name, it’s something like Biloxi, but I am certain we all know her as Doctor Scarf) and then everyone’s favorite: Doctor “I can’t just wrestle the President to the ground [when he lies]” Fauci.
Doctor Fauci is going to touch his face, and I forgive him, because he owns it.
The one that bothers me is Dr. Scarf. She is the opposite of Dr. Fauci.
And then days later:
“Did I touch my face by accident,” sure. Give me a break.
Of course, so you know who never never ever touches his face? Well, two people, the Surgeon General, who should be in charge, and then the man who is actually in charge, everyones favorite cyborg, Vice President Pence.
(And what happened to the dark doctor? Why isn’t she in the meetings any more? Was it the blinking? She blinked a LOT.)
Pence is on camera every day, and he has not cracked once. This has only served to convince me that in the day the Veep touches his face we will all drop dead in our homes and turn to dust. If I survive I will post, “PENCE TOUCHES FACE IT’S ALL OVER.”