I spoke this morning with a young woman who got her college degree in Korea, then decided she wanted to get her Masters in the US, then she got two Masters degrees and a job here.
I can’t even begin to imagine doing the reverse: starting a life in Korea. I only have enough heart to fly to Korea and stay there in a hotel for two weeks. I cannot imagine having enough heart to fly to a foreign country, find housing, take classes.
That conversation today struck me because lately I find I am greatly lacking in heart.
I’m not considering living in Korea, but I am considering selling Mom’s house. I’ve never sold a house before. I don’t like it. I’d say it’s scary, but that’s not the word. It’s not fear of the unknown; I have a general idea of the house-selling process. I’m not afraid, I’m not worried, I just don’t have the heart for it.
Here I have friends who hustle up grant money to direct plays in Germany, and friends who carve out a new careers in their forties, but I don’t even have the heart to do something as pedestrian as sell a house. If my brother wasn’t counting on half the money, I wouldn’t do it at all.
It’s not even a house I live in, for Pete’s sake. What is wrong with me? is it age? Anxiety? Complacency? I need a pep talk.
4 responses to “Heart”
I am not sure about this, as I don’t really feel like “not wanting to do something you… don’t have any interest in doing” is a lack of heart/courage/fortitude/enthusiasm? I mean, I *could* eat cold oatmeal for every meal for 7 days running, but I’m not going to because there isn’t enough motivation there (also, no point to it). Some people really want to do things but feel conflicted – wanting to end up running a marathon, not wanting to get out of bed early enough to train before work, that sort of thing. Or really wanting to live in a specific foreign country, but being too scared to do it. If you strongly desire something but let fear or other factors stop you (that you feel shouldn’t stop you) that’s one thing; if it’s something you’re just… “eh”… about, then that seems not necessarily a lack of heart, just a disinterest in polka or whatever?
But yes, if your brother needs the money now, then it is probably time to piece together enough motivation and movement and sneaky-progress-tricks to get selling the house done. But apart from that consideration: if you don’t have to do something, and don’t want to do it, and therefore don’t do it: I fail to see how that’s necessarily a lack of heart; just different priorities.
KC – Well, in this case lack of interest doesn’t weigh in, because I will be getting half the money, and I’m quite interested in the money. I think it’s more of a concern that I will do it wrong, or be shortchanged or cheated in some way. It puts me in a vulnerable financial position, and that makes me resigned and dismayed.
Ah. Yes, not liking to be in a vulnerable position or potentially be taken advantage of are more on the “fear” side of the ledger than the “there is no particular reason to want to do this” side of the ledger. (but they are also understandable fears; we do not want to screw up things that are That Big.)
I hope you reach a solid resolution soon.
KC – Also, as always, the resentment about my brother. I made some progress today, at least. Amazing how many chores, errands, and -a-rework you can take care of on vacation.