Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: August 2013

  • The End Times Are Upon Us

    Why Meno”pause”? I don’t want a pause, I want a complete eradication of the meno. MenoShrivelUpandDieWorthlessFleshPocket. So, I was at the gyno today and mentioned the hot flashes at the beginning of last month and the hysterical crying that prompted Gary to proclaim The Change was upon us. The gyno said, “Well, 51 is the…

  • Damnogram

    Today I got the first mammogram I’ve had in … three years? Five? It was not so long ago I don’t remember how mammograms were. In the past, the technician would say, “Let me know if it gets to be too painful.” I would take this as a personal challenge and I would never say…

  • Thoughts on The Conjuring [SPOILERS!]

    First off, if you want to be surprised by The Conjuring, don’t read this. All I knew about the movie was that it was a classic old-school scary movie with no excessive gore. I was happy that I didn’t know anything else about it. More after the jump (or, if you’re in a feed reader,…

  • I Learned Something Yesterday

    Here is what I learned: there is Dengue Fever and then there is Dengue Fever. A guy at work mentioned that his dad was hospitalized in Australia after being bitten by a mosquito in Vietnam. “He’s got Dengue Fever. He’s just miserable, poor guy.” He chuckled. I put my hand over my mouth, horrified. “Oh,…

  • Must Have Been the Pizza

    Last month Gary read an article in Maxim (he SAYS) that encourages couples to have “Naked Time.” Not sex, per se, or per whatever, just daily nudity. Maybe just a naked hug, maybe naked spoons, at times naked penetration. The focus is intimacy, not the sex. This is a great improvement over the past few…

  • I Am Becoming a Handyman

    I AM A MORON I have an awkward cabinet. It’s a lower kitchen cabinet in the corner. One side butts up against the sink, the other against the stove. It’s essential a useful cabinet with a door that opens to an inaccessible black pit where I store Thanksgiving. The roaster, the serving dish, the cake…

  • Realization at the Walmart

  • Gary Cooks

    About a month ago, under supervision, Gary began to cook. His first dish was the classic Chicken with Pepperidge Farm Dressing. He put the six raw chicken breasts in the bottom of the casserole dish. He argued that his Mom cooks all the chicken first and never would put raw chicken in anything. That is…