Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: April 2013

  • Ricin in the Coffee Grinder

    Evidently, the Nutjob who attemped to poison the President (not the Elvis Nutjob, but the Child Molester Nutjob) bought castor beans off of eBay to make the ricin, then ground ’em up in his coffee grinder. This answers what has been a pressing question for me. Back in the day, I wrote some training for…

  • Bullets by the Names

  • Adjustment Update By the Numbers

    Gary’s been retired for: 9 days Things Gary has helped with: 3 (I had to change that right after I typed it. He got me stamps from the other room. Now I feel bad.) Things I’ve done: 9 Things Gary has done: 1 (This is fine, though. As I said to him, he has a…

  • I Am Dehydrated …

    … because of all the crying. We must be too confident tonight, because we watched We Bought a Zoo AND Les Miserables. Has anyone you know died in the last … oh … ten years? Do NOT see We Bought a Zoo. There’s one line that made me segue from silent weeping to loud retching…

  • Friday Night Movie Night

    Neither Gary nor I have ever seen Cleopatra, and we chose it for Friday night movie might. I say of any movie, this movie cries out for the big screen. Gary says it was shot in low res and would look unspeakably awful on our big screen. One wonders how people could stand watching it…

  • Extreme Garying

    Last Friday, Full Day of Retirement #1. Gary: “Well, we should get the best family plan to include my new iPhone, and it only makes sense to spend the extra ten bucks to add cell service to our iPads, because then we can use them anywhere.” Yesterday, Day #6 of Retirement. Gary: “I put the…

  • Geh

    I knew Monday I couldn’t be in public with this cough, and I assumed I couldn’t be seen at the doctor’s before work, so I swung by the Urgent Care on the way in to work. Looking to score some cough medicine. Bronchitis. I was expecting cough medicine, I got antibiotics and instructions that I…

  • Shaky

    My body is in tune with my situation. Every time I cough I feel my bronchi vibrate for a second like the low E on a guitar. I made a new budget yesterday. All will be well but, as Gary says, screw Dierbergs. “Schnucks!” he cries. He gives the second-class Schnucks the thumbs up. “Shop-n-Save?”…

  • Grey vs Eggplant vs Mahogany

    In front of Marcia, I mentioned that I don’t have many grey hairs. There are only about ten that I can see. “Oh, honey,” she cooed, “Have you seen the back of your head?” Well no, skinny bitch, I haven’t, and shut up about my appearance. When you were over 200 pounds you could talk,…

  • Gobsmacked

    Gary walked off his job today, never to return. And since he’s 59, and because he can, he’s retired. I should be surprised, but I have had to listen to thirty years of, “I’m going to be fired I’m going to be laid off they are giving my job to someone else I need to…