Last night, we were shopping for sister-in-law Sandy’s birthday gifts, and after the three stores I begged Gary to stop, because I was wiped out.
“NO WE HAVE TO GO TO THE GROCERY TO BUY PIES AND FRUIT FOR THE PARTY!”
I got in the grocery and grabbed a cart so I could use Mom’s trick of pushing the cart when you are exhausted because it holds you up. Gary used the Gary trick of behaving like an insane person to give your exhausted spouse a little extra adrenaline.
Gary pointed at the top shelf of the Easter display, about two feet from the ceiling of the Dierbergs. “There they are. The Lindt bunnies. I’ll lift you up and then you -” Oh, fuck that noise. I turned to the Courtesy Center right behind us.
I waited for a cashier to finish having his drawer counted, then I asked for help. The cashier was on it in seconds, and Gary was nowhere to be found. Actually, he was hiding in the next aisle, and when he saw the cashier got a chair to stand on, and heard him ask “How many do you want?” Gary rounded the corner and said “ALL OF THEM.” So, sorry to anyone who wants medium Lindt Top Shelf bunnies at the 94 Dierbergs, we have them ALL.
Next: Produce aisle. Last time we were there, they had a yellow watermelon quarter.
So delicious. It seemed better than a normal melon. Perfect for this year of Summer-in-Spring. Alas, no yellow melons today. I was a little perked up by Gary’s eccentric bunny behavior, and I spotted a Dierberg’s employee, and all I could say was “Yellow melon?” and he looked at me blankly.
Gary dragged me to the wine display, where there was an empty display box filled with excelsior. “That’s what I call a LIGHT WINE.”
I moaned.
“Do you want a treat? A treat of some kind?”
“I just want to go home and fall into bed.”
We picked up the milk for the weekly cheese (Cheddar!) and went to the check-out.
That’s when the excitement started. The checker was the one who helped with the bunnies. “Did you find everything okay?”
“Yellow watermelon. You had it. Now it’s gone.”
“Tell him,” he said, pointing to the bagger. “He’s the store manager.” I realized that’s why the cashier had been paranoid about having his drawer checked.
I saw a chance to Speak Truth to Power. “YELLOW. WATERMELON.Bring it back!”
The manager / bagger responded by cracking the two glass milk bottles together.
Milk everywhere. Milk pouring through a hole at the end of the counter. Manager ran to get a mop, while cashier and I pushed extra milk through the hole into a trash can, and Gary went for more milk.
After it was all cleaned up, I said to the manager, “Yellow. Watermelon.” Don’t forget.”
The excitement gave me enough energy to get to the car, and it gave Gary even more energy. He pointed the box of bunnies toward the car.
“Ho, bunnies! March! March to the car!” Whip cracking noises.
The last physical action of the night: I was rolling the cart to the corral in teh parking lot, when another friendly Dierbergs employee yelled “I’ll take it” and waved her arms. So I gave it a huge push with the last ounce of energy and it rolled about 10 feet and stopped. She ran over to get it.
So … then I came home and flopped into bed.
10 responses to “In Which Gary Tries to Energize Me”
Gary is MAD. But then, you already know that. Really, isn’t there some way you can put him in a coma without it costing a fortune?
Mmmmm. Lindt bunny pie! But what about the fruit?
I am so tempted to run to Dierbergs and throw a fit that they should plan their stock better so that they’re not out of Lindt bunnies this far before Easter.
Becs – He’s a little mad, but that day he was inged with reason. In fact he suggested I sit at the Target entrance while he pulled the car round. He NEVER does that.~Silk – The fruit is a weekly purchase for the parents. They always ask for four oranges, four red delicious apples, and a bunch of bananas, and Gary always brings them things they don’t ask for that he feels they should experience, like mango and kiwi. Caroline – You are too short to even see where the bunnies would have been, that’s how high up they were.
The Lindt bunny display made me think of the terracotta warriors.
I am a DARK Lindt bunny fan and they are RARE let me tell you! I forgive Gary since he bought milk chocolate (the heathen!).
Mare – Did they discover those after I was a child? (checking – kinda – 74) I heard about them as an adult and wondered why no one mentioned them to me before.Elisabeth – Surprisingly, Gary is a huge dark chocolate fan and says the dark lindt bunnies are too bitter.
I agree with Mare’s comment: All I could think of, upon looking at the pic of the bunnies, was terracotta warriors.
Also, Gary is effin’ awesome.
I’d be offended by your comment on my height, except that it’s true.
Megan – he is awesome, and it was his official birthday today.Caroline – And as I understand from today’s lunch, babies prefer to be housed in long waists. (By the way, I had lunch with the Mom crowd today and they talked about ways to eat your placenta. So there’s a change.)