Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: August 2011

  • Aint No Way to Say Goodbye

    As we know, television characters never say goodbye on the phone. They just conclude the conversation and snap the phone shut. I dream for a world like this. Lately my phone conversations have been ending like this: You: “Bye!” Me: “Bye” You: “See y – “ Click! I have hung UP. Because you said “‘Bye.”…

  • Loose Ends

    Remember when I wet my pants at work? Sure you do! Remember there was a man who … “CAME TO MY DESK AND EXPLAINED TO ME AN EMAIL HE HAD JUST SENT ME, WHICH, AS IT WAS INDEED WRITTEN IN ENGLISH, WAS FULLY COMPREHENSIBLE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.” He came to my cube and sat…

  • But Enough About Me. Let’s Talk About You

    I lost the Lijit sidebar when I upgraded to IE 9. I immediately wanted to use the Lijit sidebar. One feature I’ve been ignoring is the audience analytics. And now, here you are: I have NO idea where it got this information. It’s a little creepy. TMI, people! TOO MUCH INFORMATION! Let’s take it from…

  • In Which I Am But Mad North-north-west

    Proof I am on half my medication: 1. I was yelling at Gary in the car today and he yelled back, “I CAN TELL YOU ARE ONLY TAKING HALF YOUR MEDICATION.” 2. I had a sexy dream. Almost. Only went as far as kissing. Archetypal male figures in dream involved in kissing: BNL circa 2000.…

  • Thoughts Late at Night

    It’s what now, 1:30 in the morning? I should be asleep. I forgot to floss. [Ed. The dentist’s assistant still had to use the pick, but not the elbow grease. (Hoping other cultures use the term “elbow grease.”) Note: pick still makes the same hideous scraping sound, with or without grease.] Why don’t I pee…

  • You Aint Nothing But A Groundhog

    Earthquakes in the east! Hurricanes to the south! Groundhogs in the backyard! We have a groundhog. Or woodchuck: your preference. Woodhog? I can’t propose “ground-chuck” as a compromise. At any rate, groundhogs are woodchucks, and neither one is a chipmunk. So, Gary spotted a groundhog / woodchuck in the backyard. As he later emailed: “I…

  • Postus interruptus

    Well, I had just asked Gary to download a photo he took this morning so I could ridicule him in tonight’s post. Then boom, power went out. Houses one street over are fine. Rest of neighborhood is dark.Thanks to the iPhone I can brag that tonight he came home, said hello from the kitchen, and…

  • Down / To the Ground / To Get Out / Of the Rain (Two Three Four)

    Not our actual ants. These are stock-brokerin’ TeddyJ Republican ants from work. We are again infested with ants in the kitchen. This has been going on for two months now. First were the tiny tiny fast ants. We discussed how best to kill the ants. I have only seen the ants destroyed with the wonderful…

  • Psychiatrist Visit

    “So, how’s your sex drive?” my psychiatrist asked during my yearly appointment. “Gone,” I answered. “How long has it been?” He smiled compassionately. “Since … March.” I counted. “Five months.” “Is that causing tension in the marriage?” “Nope. Gary’s 57. Our sex is always great, but it does take a lot of time and effort…

  • The Rest of the Show

    I like Blink-182! It’s like getting to see a BNL prequel. Matt and Tom are about the same age as Steve and Ed, but somehow their humor didn’t graduate junior high. Non-stop penis jokes. But, I’ve wanted to hear another band with more than one frontman. If Adam from Guster could give a little, they’d…