Cardiac Surgeons – They speak frankly. This how three surgeons explained to Wilma what would happen if she didn’t have the bypass.
“You’ll die.”
“One day, boom, you’ll drop over dead from a heart attack.”
“There’s a 100% chance you’ll die.”
Knowing that Wilma has her own reserved Trump-sized mansion in the afterlife, I threw in, “You might stay alive but with constant pain -“
“NO,” the surgeon interrupted. “You’ll DIE.”
And dance the hula with Jesus, I thought. Do you think this woman fears death?
And now that she isn’t dead, she is re-evaluating her decision. But, ha-HAH! We got you.
People in the ICU Waiting Room– I took the elevator with a quiet, elegant lady with an updo. We had a nice little chat about how to find the ICU waiting room. She sat with her sister and quietly listed to her rant about the near-dead drunk they were holding vigil for. I was entirely on the side of the sisters.
Then, my elegant elevator lady began to complain about an absent sister and got herself all worked up.”She’s so negative.” Then, with hatred, “I can’t stand to even look at her sometimes.”
Damn, elegant lady, I thought, those are harsh words. Then she went on. And on and on. With ever increasing hatred.
She hissed, “She’s just an awful, ugly, hateful person. I can’t stand be be in the same room with her. She’s just mean, mean, mean. ” Her sister did not argue.
And then, loudly: “I am a nice person.” (No. No, you’re not. I’m Not Nice, I know. Nice people don’t spit venom so easily.) “I am ALWAYS loving and pleasant to everyone.” (People on elevators, maybe.) “But I’m just so goddamned sick of her fucking shit.” (Whoa! Not expecting that.)
THEN the rest of the family showed up. And of course they divvied up the suspected valuables of Near-dead Drunk, and then Elevator Lady had a chance to encore her hate rant with a progressively deeper Meth County accent, and then they all went out to eat.
Later that evening, when we were driving home, I remarked, “So, did you notice that other family in the ICU -“
“OH MY GOD THEY WERE AWFUL.”
My Sisters In Law – Gary and I were having dinner when the doctor came in and led them to the ICU, where they could view Wilma through the glass. Gary got the recap later. Evidently, Wilma kicked off the covers and “showed everyone her twat.” I was not there for the event or the recap, sadly.
You may judge us, but at least we don’t hate each other.
13 responses to “Communication Styles of the People of the Christian Northeast Hospital”
Thanks for my first laugh of the day. Wilma on display is more than I care to contemplate. I think Gary would have been scarred for life.
My long-ago next-door neighbor was picky, greedy, fault-finding, etc. Yet underneath, I think she had a good heart (not as in, no bypasses, but she genuinely wanted to be good). Yet she failed miserably. Once I was at breakfast with her, Xman, and her husband and she blurted out, “I think I’m nice.” Dead silence. “Don’t you?” Followed by all of us coughing or looking away.
Everybody dies, that’s the rule from day one. She is still going to die, it just may be a bit later and now cardiac surgeon can make his second house payment.
What Z said…
I always secretly suspect that Those Awful People spitting venom at family members in hospital waiting areas are a troupe of benevolent volunteer actors hoping to distract the anxious people waiting around.
It’s just possible. Think about it: sometimes, it works.
(Glad to hear Wilma’s on the mend. Take care of you.)
I love this post title. I love this post. I love these comments. I love my family, who don’t hate each other either. Although none of us are all that nice. Nice is kind of overrated, I think, although it’s probably better than the awful waiting-room family (or volunteer actors).
Nothing brings family closer together than a good twat viewing.I do love your writing style!
I was taking a drink when I read Sandra’s post and about choked.I like Elsa’s idea. Maybe that can be the new project!
I am not sure my family would qualify that as love, but they are weird that way.
I always also like to fill fellow elevator riders in on my own family hatreds!!
I really loved the way you tried to help out because the fear of dying just wasn’t doing it!!
Becs – I love the story about your neighbor. Being nice must be like “Not having a bigoted bone in [your] body” – If you make the statement it can’t be true, it just means you’re unaware. (Except for Caroline, she actually is nice.) Zayrina – Oh, I know she’ll die, but just not a surprise death. I like a planned death, like Mom’s.Elsa – You know, I had promised Gary there would be a six hour wait and there would be recovering bypass survivors coming in to say encouraging things. I bet the hospital dropped the survivors for awful families.Allison – I certainly love Gary more now. Sandra (Hi Sandra) – Well, “Twat” is a S_____ term. It’s nicer than “vagina” in their eyes.Caroline – I know. I’m a little sad she hasn’t seen the love the family has for that term. Of course, she could enter “Twat” in the Ligit search box.Heather (Hi Heather) – It wasn’t working! She’s said for years that when her time comes we should just send her to Jesus.
Seeing the business ends of our parents can be rattling, I know that for sure. Ick.
Glad Wilma made it through the surgery. Sorry the other family was awful. I know that pain.
Tami – Wilma is still doing well. I think she leaves the ICU tomorrow. Karen is still visiting her, in spite of the doctor ban. If there IS a ban.
If there was an actual ban, the nurses wouldn’t be letting anyone in. ICU spoils you for when you move to another floor and your nurse has more than 2 patients.
Tami – Well, now Karen encouraged Gary to come and bring his Dad, and it was a debacle. Gary says if he’s ever in the hospital he’s hiring a bouncer and I am the only one allowed in.