Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: August 2010

  • Jesus and the Goose

    I won’t tell you the detailed history of why Gary ended up with a spare plastic goose. Let’s just leave it at this: A few years back, Gary had a spare plastic goose, at about the same time his parents had a hawk. The hawk would eat rabbits and peck out their brains right in…

  • Dog Update 2010

    You knew it would happen. Gary is complicating the dog’s food. To his credit, Gary isn’t feeding the dog any treats, even though Mac kicked Gary in the head every night for a week and barked “GIVE ME TREATS!” Then Mac went through the pathetic snorfling phase, when he tried to coke-snort dusty treat molecules…

  • Rick Steves Liebook?

    So, twenty-two years ago Rick Steves began to host a travel show on PBS. I know this because people began to tell me my husband was hosting a travel show. Evidently Rick Steves looks a bit like Gary, particularly when both were swamped by giant aviator glasses. (Aside from the eyebrows, I don’t see it.)…

  • Two Days Worth of Bullets

    See, here’s the problem, there’s something I have a little something tell you but it’s a secret right now. Usually this prompts me to tell you some deep dark buried secret, but I only have one secret left. That’s The Highway 70 Express Lanes Story, also known as the Tale of the Red Tupperware Bowl,…

  • Bushy Eyebrows, Bushy Tails

    Before the Great Eyebrow Reconstruction: I have no idea why I’m trying to hide my lips. I think it’s something people do when they try to make their eyes big. When applying mascara, for example. (And no, I didn’t get a haircut, my hair shrinks in the humidity.) And … the big reveal! Look at…

  • My New Favorite Curve

    Saturday we went shoe shopping. I like the way that sounds. Much better than “We went orthopedic support shopping,” which was the real goal of the day. Figure 1. Sexxxxyyyyy I kicked off my sandals and hopped up on the Foot Analyzer at the Walking Company, which shows you where you put pressure on your…

  • Friend 2 made me a bithday “cake” with cheese and a crouton

  • And the Backlash Continues

    I don’t blame the Universe, really. I was sitting at my computer a day ago. I typed, “great job … almost no bills … no unmanageable health problems … good friends … Paris … birthday.” I should have known there would be a backlash, and not just Steve’s blog. Monday we got the results of…

  • And the Backlash Begins

    I don’t blame people, really. I was sitting at lunch a week ago. I thought, “I have a great job and almost no bills and no unmanageable health problems, and here I am talking with good friends. And I’m going to Paris. And it’s my birthday month. The only thing is I’m fat,” and while…

  • Interview with Gary, Inventor of the Six-Bite Diet

    Gary likes to punish his sinful mortal frame with a variety of diets, the most successful being Gary’s gulag diet. I may mock him, but I have been to many a S_______ dinner table in which Gary’s fat sisters tell newly skinny Gary his diet is unhealthy and ineffective. (He did gain back half, but…