Yesterday, Gary had one of his imaginary conversations wherein he adds words to an existing conversation.
I said, “I can return your Blackberry to you if we get together at lunch at that place you always go, next to the hairstylist,” and Gary in his mind added, “… you know, the fusion tapas IceKitchen place that is NOWHERE NEAR my hairstylist and would be completely irrelevant and inconvenient?” So that’s why I waited at Pastries of Denmark while he waited at IceKitchen. You ask why we didn’t just call each other? Zero points for Reading Comprehension.
On the other hand, my most recent imaginary conversation happened at eight:something this morning. I was brushing my teeth. NPR was in the background referencing the Christmas tsunami. I imagined Gary and I on that deck from the famous video, along with a mother who was encouraging her children who were trapped in a nearby tree. ImaginGary said, “Well that tree’s going to get swept away. Those kids are goners.”
I snapped, “Thanks, All-knowing Voice of Doom. Why didn’t you warn us there was a TSUNAMI coming?”
Yesssssss. Burnnnnn! If Gary and I are ever in a tsunami I am prepared for his negativity.
Now, a few days ago I was suppressing just as much anger on my way in to work, and I was thinking about a “team” project in which there is no “I” except for “I seem to be doing an unequal amount of the work.” Not true at all, but it’s how I imagined it that morning. I imagined a coworker coming up and asking if I could help him with his share. In my mind I answered helpfully, “You know, I have a technique for getting a lot of the work done relatively quickly. Perhaps it will help you. It’s called – ” my imaginary voice turned icy – “Shut Up and DO It.”
My Work Husband (who is real, not Imaginary) is head of the project and snorted, purple, when I told him of my imaginary conversation. Let me be clear, I didn’t actually use the withering imaginary comment ON anyone.
Of course, Work Husband went down to lunch without me and shared my comment with everyone, only he couldn’t do the withering delivery because he was again purple and snorting. So I think he just told my team, “So then she said, ‘Just shut up and do it,’ and it was so funny the way she said it.” I don’t know if they thought it was funny. I’m imagining not.
Imaginary conversations. Keep them in your head.
4 responses to “Talking to My Imaginary Enemies”
In my defense, I only read a few tweets that didn’t mention why you were meeting.
I always sound so much smarter and snappier in my imaginary conversations.
I don’t just have imaginary conversations: I have interviews. On television. When I’m promoting my (prize-winning) book. (That I haven’t written.)
I’m so witty and assured and entertaining (also pretty): it’s marvellous.
.75 – Oh, I know. That wasn’t for you. But if you’d read this and then you’d asked I would have been ready for you.Sherri – Whereas in real life you’re probably like me: making exaggerated facial expressions with my mouth just gaping.Big Dot – Oh, suuuuure you “haven’t written” your award winning book. You know someone finds your blog and wants to publish it un-edited. We all have those thoughts. What, are you better than the rest of us?