So, I know evangelist Pat Robertson doesn’t deal with catastrophe well. He wants to blame every disaster on humanity’s “sins.” He said Katrina happened because of the sin, sex and drinking in New Orleans, and 9/11 occurred because America allows abortion. Today he claimed Haiti was being punished for a centuries old deal with the Devil.
Either he is drunk, which would be fun, or he really believes in circuitous cause and effect. I want the people of Haiti, New York, and New Orleans to blame their woes on Pat. I want Bill Clinton to go down there and tell the Haitians that the earthquake was God’s condemnation of this asshole American evangelist. No! I want Pat to know his black heart is to blame for any random thing that has ever happened to anyone, including him.
Effects and How Pat Robertson is the Cause
Pat Robertson has campaigned against Global Warming. Global Warming continues because Pat angers God with his gluttony. Every time Pat has a Snickers God cranks up the thermostat programmed to kick in next summer.
Pat himself lost the 88 Presidential Nomination because he masturbated one too many times in high school.
He went to Yale Law School but failed the bar because he yelled “You NEVER let me do ANYTHING” at his parents once when he was ten. God had to wait a while to take that revenge, but not the 200 years he had to wait to get back at the Haitians.
The Bank of Scotland backed down on a deal Pat was counting on because Pat said Scotland was “a dark land” overrun by homosexuals. Oh. wait. That makes sense. That really happened.
Sometimes his penis fails to become erect when he wants it to. This can also be blamed on the excessive masturbation, and because Mrs. Robertson isn’t a hairless young boy, and because sometimes Pat falls asleep without praying. Pat blames the lack of prayer, of course.
It’s been unseasonably cold in the U.S. this year, because Pat Robertson has been lazy on the weekends. Mom’s pipes are still frozen. I blame Pat.
In 2003 he got prostrate cancer. This actually is because of Islamic terrorists. It was in retribution for Pat blaming abortion laws for 9/11. Terrorists felt Pat wasn’t giving them enough credit. Fittingly, rigid 1950s abortion laws are to blame for Pat Robertson.
17 responses to “In Which We Also Pile On to Pat Robertson”
Awesome. 🙂
I think I love you.
I’m so very proud of you.
Hah!
That was awesome. Pat Robertson is such a douchebag.
Hahahaha – oh, this makes my sides hurt. He’s such a rat bastard – what did he do to hex my dishwasher, ’cause it’s acting up, and now that you mention it, I am sure he is involved…
This is awesome.
Laurel and Magpie (and PA and KellyL) – Ooo! Ive never been retweeted before. It felt good.#3 – Thanks, 3.Erin G – Thats was an evil Ha.One Fabulous Thing (Hello!) – Your blog post prompted me to donate to Drs without borders. I was going to think about who to give to and your post made me realize they’re all good.Mare – It is because he drank in his college years. Write a letter. Daysgoby – Thanks, and hello Canada! Did you read that the magazine “The Beaver” is being renamed “Canadian History?” Snort!
EXCELLENT post! I would give it a gold star except in this case, a gold cross seems more appropriate!
If I had written that, I wouldn’t have been as kind as you. Good thing you beat me to it.
The other night, I was commenting on how much I hated Michelle Obama’s outfit on the Iron Chef special. My room mate said, “You’re very critical!”.
I answered, “Yes”.
Oh. My. God. The last sentance nearly made me do a spittake here at my desk. It’s really a genius ending to a fantastic rant. Truly.
That IS fitting. Man, what an asshole. I really, truly hope he will get his just reward.
Wyo – Ew. Made me wonder if religious schools ever gave out gold crosses instead of stars. Tami – Wait … wait …. Michelle Obama was on IRON CHEF? I have to google this. Amy in StL – It was mean, though. I’m not being a Sunbeam Blogger or whatever they’re called.Gaoo – I liked the Daily Show take on it tonight. JS held up the Bible and gave some examples of Bible quotes Pat could use next time, opposed to “Tough titties, devil folk.”
Thanks, I needed that. What a dipshit he is and yet, he still has a show on TV.
It was a Very Special Iron Chef encouraging kids to eat their veggies.
The dumbass believes God plays with us like chess pieces on a board. Wouldn’t you think He’d have better things to do?
Judith – He has a show on tv because he owns the station.Caroline – Ah! And now I also hear they didnt use veggies from the White House garden. And that was an awful dress. The Phoenix – I know. He kind of reminds me of that crazy woman who thought David Letterman was sending her signals with his eyebrow waggling. It’s like Pat thinks he’s very special to God and no one else knows it, but God sends him secret messages every time He supposedly causes a disaster.