Dinosaurs, Revealed

Thank God for CNN never letting a story die.

Dinosaur Sighting #1:

Yesterday, CNN had a choice. It was Breaking News: Hydrochloric acid is seeping into Louisiana versus Breaking News: Teddy Kennedy had a stroke. They went with the stroke. Not true, of course, just a seizure.

Dinosaur Sighting #2:

Dave called a few hours later. I answered and said, “Yeah, yeah, Teddy Kennedy had a seizure, not a stroke,” because Dave habitually calls me when dead celebrities are in the news and screams, “HEATH LEDGER! DEAD!” or “BRAD RENFRO! DEAD!” so I was expecting “KENNEDY! ALMOST DEAD!” yet Dave hadn’t known anything about a stroke or seizure.

Instead, Dave was calling to tell me the “modern” version of The Andromeda Strain would be on TV Memorial Day. For a long time that had been one of our favorite movies. Then I got involved with Gary and discovered that Michael Crichton, the writer of the book, has some sick hatred of people with epilepsy, including, I suppose, Gary.

The first book I know of that cast people with epilepsy was The Andromeda Strain. (I like the term people with epilepsy, or you may say “epileptics,” if your prefer the antiquated term, or “people with a seizure disorder,” if you prefer the modern term.) If you recall [SPOILER ALERT] the lab almost self-destructs at the climax of the book and movie because one of those damn epileptics hid his condition instead of being drowned in a bag at birth, I suppose, and has a photo-sensitive seizure from the flashing alarm lights.

Then, he went off and wrote a hateful book called The Terminal Man (also a movie starring the still adorable George Segal). This novel focuses on a man with complex-partial seizures. This type of seizure doesn’t result in decreased consciousness, like the convulsive seizure everyone thinks of, instead the person does erratic actions. Gary, for example, hops on one foot, says repetitive phrases, and tries to shave with his blow dryer (luckily, not vice-versa). The “terminal” man murders people, and that bastard M.C. backed it up with a footnote. A completely false footnote, or if nothing else, a questionable footnote in which someone with epilepsy threw a baby down a well and used epilepsy as his defense.

When I worked at the local Epilepsy Federation the director told me the national chapter had just won a suit against him for a one million dollar donation, plus M.C. had to write a grudging, childish, petty, pouty addendum to the paperback copy, which is so boring you can hardly believe he wrote it.

As a further proof that the Epilepsy Federation won, there are no dinosaurs with epilepsy in Jurassic Park. It seems our only epileptic dinosaur is Teddy Kennedy.