Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: May 2008

  • Tiebreaker

    I am taking a poll at work. The poll is tied. You all get to be Florida. Or the Rules Committee, whoever. Here’s what happened: Friends #2 (Hot Mom / Libby) and #3 (Marcia) and I went to lunch at Pei Wei (cheap P.F. Changs). My chopped Chinese salad came out a bit late, so…

  • My First

    I glibly suggested to Magpie Musing that it might be time to publish the facts about my very first vibrator. It seems I’m having quite the run of sex-related posts. Ipromise I will soon go back to making fun of Gary.

  • Minus Section

    So, I was talking with Friend #3 about how we had learned the facts of life, and I told her I had bugged Mom about it as much as she could stand (“Ellen! I have told you this how many times?”) so I decided to get my details from the “Minus Section” at the public…

  • An Open Letter

    Dear staff of Seattle Grace Hospital, It has come to my attention that your mortality rate is higher than the normal television-based hospital drama. I would like to posit that perhaps you might not kill so many people in the operating room if you turned the music down. Because it seems that every time things…

  • Me At Fifty

    In the Dillard’s shoe department, I handed the fifty-year old saleswoman back her little tiny nylon footies that had become completely shredded by my untended toenails and crusty heels. She said, “I hope they make condoms better than that.” All I can imagine is she calls them “foot condoms” in her mind.

  • In Which We are Bossed About

    In-Law BossingThe day began with Gary and I in bed planning our day. We wove together the requirements (Gary haircut, Cowboy Mouth concert) with the options (breakfast at First Watch, buying new jeans that fit, summer suits). Then the in-laws called: the Estate is settled! Gift checks are written! Must come over and get money.…

  • I Would Do That

    If I were a male celebrity I would be Richard Quest, CNN reporter, Not because he affects the “lively” air when he’s reporting on the royal family and the serious air when he’s anchoring on CNN International. I would be Richard Quest, because he was arrested in Central Park and found to have a sex…

  • Review of The Breakup

    A few months ago, I was out with my friends. or working late, or something, and Gary watched this movie, The Breakup, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. I asked, “How was it?” fully expecting to give the standard Gary movie re-enactment, which takes 30 minutes longer than the movie itself, what with the analysis…

  • Secrets: Still holding at 1.

    Today was the day we signed up for the next BNL cruise. Specifically, I was scheduled to sign up at 2:00 Central time. I couldn’t sign up at work because TeddyJ has us locked in to the Amish Internet. (For example, you can’t get to this very blog. Prudes! My boss explained they look for…

  • Weird Stuff in My Head

    I want to thank whoever did a Google Search on “Leonard Cohen” + “Kevin Barry.” I had no idea Leonard Cohen covered one of my favorite songs. Wow … that would be like hearing that Steven Page was going to cover songs by Leonard Cohen or The Weakerthans. I know that the media keeps telling…