When I was eighteen or so, I worked at the local library as a page. Pages occupy their time by flirting with each other and restocking books. The restocking cut in on our flirting time, so we resented anyone whom checked books out. This library job would be great, we agreed, except for these darn people checking out books. Hey! Are you really checking that John Grisham book out? I just restocked that!
In addition to restocking we filled the shelves with the monthly magazines and daily newspapers that hung over the wooden dowels like bath towels. One day, I put all the magazines where they were supposed to go, except for Cosmopolitan. I couldn’t find the spot for Cosmo; went right from Cat Fancy to Dog Fancy.
“I can’t find where this goes,” I complained to a librarian, showing her the Cosmo.
“Oh, we keep that behind the desk,” she explained, “People complained. The cover model always has too much cleavage.”
Since then I’ve been keeping my eye on Cosmo. Always just the one breast emphasized, always the hair flying around, always the model lying on the slab of glass in order to be photographed in the gravity-defiant pose.
I thought of Cosmo this morning when I glanced at our high-class magazine collection, topped off by the ever-popular Life and Style Weekly, which included a full-on dual breast shot of Heidi Somebody, with the question “HEIDI: ANOTHER BOOB JOB?”
“When did they start putting the word ‘BOOB’ on magazine covers?” I grouched, “Children see that cover in grocery stores.”
Only two weeks until I strip naked again. Clearly I need it.
8 responses to “In Which I Realize I Am Old”
It’s kind of sad when I have to dig (or ask) for a copy of Bitch or Bust because bookstore shelves hide it behind the “normal” women’s magazines because of the titles. (Or banish it to the “alternative lifestyle” ghetto.) But Cosmo and its ilk are there for everyone.
My friend just told me that in her small home town in Michigan, they cover the Cosmo covers with one of those white plastic screens (like they do for Maxim, FHM, and Stuff everywhere). This amuses me. Beware the evil boobs!Do you think they put plastic screens over the cover of Guns & Ammo? Hmm. I need to research that.
In international news, the U.K. version of Cosmo is far smuttier. It makes the U.S. version look like The Economist.And I hate to be that guy, but I’ve got to throw a flag on that ‘whom’ in the first paragraph.
What about the parenting magazine that was deemed offensive for showing a child breastfeeding? At least that was a working boob!
I prefer Glamour, they at least pretend not to be as slutty. They’re not actually any less slutty, it just seems less embarrassing to read that on a plane than Cosmo.As for pain meds, no, unfortunately, they just don’t work. They will mask some of the pain or make me high as a kite, but it really don’t work enough to make it worth it. Though if you ever need meds I have prescriptions for Vicodin, Codeine, Tramadol (oooooopiate), Fioricet, Imitrex, Axert, and several steroids. Oh and a boatload of tylenol because my developing ulcer can’t handle the advil.Let’s see how much spam you get as a result of my drug list.
Oh, codeine! How I loved me some codeine back in the day when I had cramps. Or didn’t. I have to tell you, Oxycontin scares the heck out of me. I’ll still with Tylenol 3, thank you very much. Well, I would if I could get some.
I got too old for Cosmo and Glamour about 3 years into my marriage. All their articles are about pleasing your man sexually. Please….I don’t need tips on how to twirl my tongue around whilst giving Matt a BJ. I stopped giving BJ’s around the 4th month.THAT’S WHY I GOT MARRIED.
Kathy – It isn’t right. Who makes these decisions?Carrie – I’m guessing not. But – I’ve seen Maxim and FHM covers. Haven’t I? I mean, not in the grocery, but I must have seen one somewhere.Sgazetti – Okay, I have affected hands, and I trusted the spell check. It’s been edited, that’s all I can give you.Caroline – A hard working boob. Not a lazy slacker boob like Heidi’s.Katie – I will go for the Glamour next time I’m on a plane (one week from now).Becs – Take all drug deals offline. Speaks loudly for the DEA. NO DRUGS HERE.Melati – You have tremendous boobage. Man Should just be grateful for that.