So I sat down with the pancreas doctor. He began by asking, “So, what brings you here?”
“I thought you had seen my CT scan.”
“Well, I did, but I want you to tell me.”
See, that’s not a good start. What does he think I’m going to say? Something that breaks the case wide open? “Hey, could this have something to do with that day I spent camping at the Nevada nuclear test site?”
Still, I humored him and spelled out everything he already knew. And he responded by asking me questions I HAVE ANSWERED TWO HUNDRED TIMES IN THE LAST MONTH.
I did get some information out of him. I answered (for the two hundredth time) how often I drank, and the doctor wrote down (FOR THE TWO HUNDREDTH TIME) “rarely.”
“Okay,” I asked, “How much do I have to drink to crank it up past ‘rarely’?”
According to him, drinking routinely once a month rates you an “occasionally.” Something to strive for.
So, hopefully Friday I’ll be at the lab getting a tube snaked down to my belly. The tube will give me an ultrasound from the inside of my belly (ugh – inner-belly ultrasound gel) and then push out a robotic needle into the cyst and suck out the insides for analysis. “Don’t worry, though,” the doctor said, “you’ll be given a sedati–“
“No Versed. No.”
Long pause. “Well, you’ll have to take that up with the doctor who performs the procedure.”
Laugh with me the hollow laugh of doooom. This means, of course, I’ll be taking Versed again. Like this:
16 responses to “The Digestive Cystem”
I’ve never had Versed (ask for Ativan, I forgot that there was anything in the universe to care about), but the only time my Grandmother had it, she sang a song, well, actually one line in a song, all the way down the hall to the operating room.Just tell ’em you’re allergic to it, they always have a substitute.
I had versed for my first colonoscopy. The fat, dumb-assed quack who did the procedure had me waking up, or coming around for the last part of the procedure, It hurt. I was po’d and started yelling at him. He kept saying, “you won’t remember any of this”. I remember every excruciating detail. and yes, Ativan can even make you not care if your plane crashes.
This brought the lolz: “Versed, the drug, evidently breaks down the boundaries that make you discourage people from shoving tubes down your throat and up your ass. (Different tubes. I asked.)”You are one funny broad.
I’ve had a lot of colonoscopies, and I have no idea what they administered for the sedative. I’m concerned now, although I have never had a reaction to any of them…but now you got me all thinking-like. I hate when I think.
ASK! There must be something they can use besides Versed. And I learned it is important HOW you word the question. Do not simply ask, “IS there something else you can give besides Versed?”. You need to ask, “WHAT besides Versed can you use” or “What other option besides Versed can you offer?”
Katie – Both Gary and my brother got Ativan during their colonoscopies. Ativan. Ask for it by name.Zayrina – Huh, my doctor kept apologizing for the pain, as if he knew I might remember. Then again, Giant Sheep Doctors are the best kind.Styro – I was serious, actually. The Doctor said that not only are they different tubes they go in an autoclave and are sterilized.Candy – No thinking. They gave you Versed, and you took to it. I think that’s how it is for most people. The sad thing is you have no recall of your appendix and the lovely color green it is.Kay – Hi again, Kay! I know, that Versedbusters site is gaining strength. I wouldn’t mind the pain, I wouldn’t mind the embarrassing memories, I just don’t want that much self-awareness.
When I had the dreaded Versed, I distinctly remember wanting to levitate off the table, cheerfully grab the CRNA who was pretending to be a Doctor and slowly squeeze his little neck until he turned blue and his itty eyes popped right out of his nasty little skull. Of course I did nothing of the sort… I followed his directions as if my whole life revolved around what he wanted me to do. It was very upsetting to be a zombie, at least I should have been entertained (and forewarned) with some obscure VooDoo ritual beforehand. Anyway, what I really want to do to him now is tazer him into immobility and croon over his still, helpless body, “Are you relaxed yet? Don’t worry, you won’t remember a thing.”
Jackie (Hi) – Funny you say VooDoo, I was convinced the giant sheep was giving me post-hypnotic suggestions. Kind of similar.
Yes it is similar. I wish I had known before hand that they had this zombie drug. As soon as I felt the beginnings of the “yes, master” type responses I would have ripped the IV out, bled all over them and galloped out, quite possibly still modeling the backless gown they supplied me with. They would have been concerned with contamination long enough for me to make good my escape. The sight of a large woman running through the halls, mostly naked, trailing blood and screaming about going to my Veterinarian in the future would have terrified other OR patients into stampeding out behind me, further preventing them from recapturing me! I had no idea about any amnesia or walking dead type drug of course, Versed is a very well kept secret!
Jackie – I see you can find the humor in the situation!
Dear Queenie, it took me over 2 YEARS to get my sense of humor back after they shot me up with Versed. If they try to sneak this drug into me again, I may attack them all and use the old excuse that every murderous thug uses! “It was the drugs your Honor…” Seriously, though, I now have a highly fashionable medic alert bracelet that says not to give me Versed, Propofol or Demerol, plus instructions in my wallet pertaining to same. If they do it again, I will live for the rest of my life in a luxurious island paradise recovering my mental stability. Paid for by the LAWSUIT against them for poisoning me with these chemicals!
I feel your pain. It is a nasty nasty drug.
Your Majesty, as I was pondering the significance of your Giant Sheep, it occured to me that it could be an astute observation by your sub conscious. Sheep are some of the stupidest animals in creation. It would follow that these people would assume the shape that they deserve for foisting Versed on you! Freudian! My picture of them (medical people) is as feral cats toying with a hapless mouse. I swear their (medical people) eyes had eliptical pupils and an unholy gleam…
Jaclkie – Sometimes a sheep is just a sheep.
Your highness, I humbly ask for an audience with you or any others that have had an adverse mental reaction to Versed. A group of us are trying to interest the Oprah Show in doing a segment on Versed. If you are interested can you please contact me? Also give out my e-mail address on demand? I know it’s an imposition and I apologise in advance if this request causes you any distress!
Okay by me.