Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: September 2007

  • UPDATED: Born Without An Asshole: a Discovery Channel Special

    UPDATED: Born Without An Asshole: a Discovery Channel Special

    Update at the bottom! ——————————- Well, I know you’ve been waiting for an update on the the dog born without an asshole. Stacey, the dog rescuer, has been keeping us posted on the poor puppy with the bad plumbing. I have more facts: Puppy’s name is Cassata. The puppy is a girl. This, as you…

  • Fresh Weirdness Updated

    Wilma and Ken have received eight condolence cards. Am I missing something? Really, should I be sending out condolence cards?

  • Fresh Weirdness From the In-Laws

    We got a lovely card from Gary’s Aunt Pat and Uncle Dick today. It was addressed to the both of us. I opened it up and found it was a sympathy card. No note, no explanation, just signed “Love, Pat and Dick.” “Did your parents die and no one told us?” I asked, “Or has…

  • Loose Ends Tied Up

    Time to tidy up some loose ends: The ants are still coming and feasting on the Terro poison. This means either these ants really are some new breed of super-ants, or more probably, we are eradicating every single ant in the Greater Saint Louis Area. If you hear the ecosystem of Saint Louis has collapsed…

  • Invisible Disability

    When I was 11 or so, a friend asked, “What’s wrong with your Mom’s hand?” “Nothing, ” I said. Still, this crazy girl kept insisting something was wrong with Mom’s hand. I guessed that maybe it was dirty? No. Eventually she said, frustrated, “It isn’t the same as the other one.” “Oh, that!” I exclaimed,…

  • Dinner With the Heartless Cows I Call My Friends

    Tonight I went out for drinks and dinner with Friends #2, #3, #4, and # 8. I don’t want to skip any key points that may help lend credence to my assertion that the above friends are heartless cows, so I need to tell you the whereabouts of Friend #7. Friend #7 is a dog…

  • “I’m So Brave, Too Bad I’m a Baby”

    I am brave when it comes to basic medical procedures. I can give myself a shot with nonchalance. I am insouciant as the nurse draws blood. I fall asleep in the MRI machine. I want my doctor to give me an epi-pen so I can keep taking Copaxone. Doctor devices don’t scare me. Dental devices…

  • This is Why I Don’t Get Any

    This, from our bedroom, as we cuddled and made small talk: Gary: “So I saw this thing on HBO or something, when this guy said he ‘did the alphabet’ during cunnilingus.” Me: “Yeah. I’ve heard about that too. I wonder what would it feel like to be cunnilingled that way. Give me your elbow.” (I…

  • An Extension

    Here was our conversation yesterday afternoon: Ellen: “Let’s go to the Greek Festival by Forest Park, and watch Greek dancing, and eat Greek food!” Gary (in all seriousness): “I’ve got a better idea! Let’s go to the Max and Erma’s at the mall and eat hamburgers and fries!” Ellen (trying to reach a compromise): “Let’s…

  • On Anticide

    We have ants. We have ants every year, and every year I take great pleasure in killing them. I use Terro-X, which is a tasty mixture of sugar water and Borax. The ants circle around it, gobble it down, then take it back to their nests and vomit it up for their babies! Irony! Poetic…