Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: September 2007

  • Woohoo! Mandatory Sex Harassment Meeting Day

    We have a new benefits provider, ADP, and one of the benefits they provide is a sexual harassment seminar, which we all took today.We’ve been looking forward to it since our experience with the Creepy New Guy. I also discovered during the meeting that if you want something done discreetly, do it yourself; if you…

  • Trash Day

    Gary like to play the trash game. You know this game. This is the game in which the husband, in lieu of taking out the the trash, manually compacts the trash into the kitchen wastebasket . Eventually, the wastebasket is so tight with trash you can no longer just pull out the trash bag; you…

  • Wee Hours, High Finance

    Two a.m. Dark. I am sleeping. Gary has been paying his bills, because you know that’s always a good way to relax yourself before bed. “Ellen?” No response. At first, because I am asleep, and then because sometimes if I lie there quietly he gives up. “Ellen, are you asleep?” “I’m trying to be asleep.…

  • Gary Meets the Press

    Gary Meets the Press

    Ask me what I did tonight. Assssssssssk me. Ask me, she breathed, as her eyes narrowed and her hands shook. I watched Meet The Press for two hours. “Huh,” you say, “I thought Meet The Press was only an hour show.” Yeah, but it takes two hours when Gary pauses the TiVo every five seconds…

  • Missed Opportunities at the Emmys

    I love Kathy Griffin, and I support her decision to tell Jesus to “suck it!” during her Creative Arts Emmy speech. That is why I’m holding my breath during this year’s Emmys waiting for someone to refer to Jesus and/or sucking. ——————————————————— 7:15 – Jeremy Piven COULD have said, “Dad, this is for you. I…

  • The Mythology: The Scissors

    The Factual Basis for the Myth: When we had been married a few years, we bought this house and I started decorating it. I started decorating it. My wife Gary kept trying to help. After 22 years I have suppressed his feminine urges so now all the homemaking he does is to re-season any food…

  • The Secret of Happiness

    Good stuff that happened just today: Pretty weather. Manbitch was in the area for a conference and dropped off a gooey butter danish before I came in. Free bagels. Free coffeecake. Then, after lunch, free ice cream bars. Jeans Day at work. Pay day. Guster is coming to town (but I can’t see where to…

  • The Mythology: The Turkey Leg Incident

    Here’s another myth. It is so satisfying to set the record straight. Again, I start with the facts, then tell you what the facts have twisted into after decades of re-tellings. The Factual Basis for the Myth:The first summer we were married, I made a menu or Gary’s favorite foods. He always gets both turkey…

  • In Which The Heartless Cows Redeem Themselves

    After I had the bad Copaxone reaction, my doctor said he’d see if there were any other options. We’d tried the interferon therapy (I developed antibodies) and the Copaxone treatment (turned blue) and the Tysrabi therapy was for more serious MS cases. So he called back a few days later and left a message saying…

  • The Mythology: Noah’s Ark

    The Mythology: Noah’s Ark

    I introduce the first in a series of myths. These are events from our history that do have a basis in fact, but over almost twenty-five years of Gary’s embellishments they’ve grown to mythological proportions. I begin with the factual details from years ago, then I ask you to compare it with the current version.…