Two a.m. Dark. I am sleeping. Gary has been paying his bills, because you know that’s always a good way to relax yourself before bed.
“Ellen?”
No response. At first, because I am asleep, and then because sometimes if I lie there quietly he gives up.
“Ellen, are you asleep?”
“I’m trying to be asleep. Leave me alone.”
“I have to talk to you.”
“Now. Right now. Two a.m. You have to talk now.”
“Yes! Yes! I have to talk to you right now!”
I sit up. I bite out, “What?”
“I need you to transfer some money from your account to mine. I’m crazy overdrawn at the bank.”
I trust-fall back into bed. “Okay. Goodnight.”
“So, I need it now.”
“I’ll do it tomorrow. Shut up and let me sleep.”
“No! Now! If I don’t get some more money in my account –“
“Gaaahhh! I will pay you three hundred dollars if you shut up right now.”
(An aside: If you want to make a really dramatic bed exit, get yourself a down comforter. They make a nice gesture flying through the air, but then they land with an emphatic “thwop!” Kind of the physical embodiment of a heavy sigh.)
So, Gary has three-hundred of my hard-earned dollars today because he knows how to hit me when I’m weak. And, incidentally, he didn’t even shut up.
11 responses to “Wee Hours, High Finance”
Let this be a lesson to you, O married to a nerd – remove all PC cables and stuff them under your pillow before going to bed. Either that or slip a drop of chloral into his evening latte.
So if I come by at 2:00 am and annoy the shit out of you, how much will you pay me to go away?
Gary is so smart sometimes…I should be taking lessons!
Caroline, I’ll pick you up at 1:30 a.m. We’ll drive over to Ellen’s house and bang on her bedroom window until she pays up.
I swear my husband does the exact. Same. Thing. Only I don’t pay him and he goes to sleep and leaves ME wide awake.I like Caroline’s idea!
That’s like a two-week supply of Starbucks for him!
“I trust-fall back into bed.” That’s totally awesome imagery. IMHO.
Becs – He’s been nipping at the Grand Marnier. I think he’s built up a tolerance.Caroline – I’d love you to come by at 2 am! Think of how that would annoy Gary!Autumn – If by smart you mean sadistic, yes.Friend #3 – No, I’ll invite you in and we can have Girl’s Early Morning Out.Sue – Hm. I think my way is better – it’s pricey, but I like my sleep.Vaguely Urban – Yes! Well, Starbucks and Bailey’s Christy – I would never have remembered the phrase, but Best Week Ever sneered at Britney’s VMA trust fall that went wrong.
You guys have separate accounts too?! I thought we were one of few couples that did that.
For the first 12 years of our marriage, we had separate accounts, mainly because he didn’t know how to balance a check book. Then we moved and decided to finally pool our accounts. And I’M IN CHARGE! I handle all of the money issues and throw hubby a $20 every now and then to spend on powerball tickets. It’s good to be the money queen!
Marriage 101 – Oh, yes, first marriage advice Mom gave me.Pageycooks – I’d do that, except Gary would have to stick to a budget while buying Christmas gifts, and he just can’t.