Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: August 2007

  • Woo!

    What is it in human nature that makes us cheer when our hometown is mentioned? You know, David Letterman mentions someone was cheated by a congressman from, say, Detroit, everyone from Detroit screams. I’ve done it. I was at the Smithsonian watching one of those new-fangled IMAX films 20 years ago, saw a glimpse of…

  • The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Carbon Feet

    Much has been said about how we can be more environmentally conscious. I have realized that I could buy a Hummer to drive down the hall to my kitchen every morning and still have a smaller carbon footprint than most. I have done this by conserving my eggs. As a childless person, I have done…

  • I am Magellan

    I have made two discoveries lately. At least, I think I discovered these two things. 1) A drink. I share credit for this discovery with Friend #3. She is Lewis to my Clark. Wait – which one was clinically depressed? Oh, okay. She is Clark to my Lewis. We call this drink the Laura Ingalls…

  • Longest Search Ever

    Buried in the usual Google searches ( “toes” “bondage toes” “iron lung bondage toes”) was this one: “thats why they shoot up with heroin from the bowels they assemble right before your falling asleep comes out we shall go out and see if these things may be so” I assume they were looking to see…

  • Scenes from a Mall

    Gary and I spent the day at the mall. Between 5 and 6, we split up. we went in different directions and each spent a little time doing our own thing. Here’s what happened to me: I had a pedicure. I had begged Gary to stay with me, because the pedicurists at the mall try…

  • In Which the Husband and I Demonstrate our Coping Strategies

    Gary was off today. I received this call at work at 2 pm:Ring!“Good afternoon, this is Ellen.”“ELLEN you have GOT to STOP mopping up the dog pee when he goes on the floor! Really, STOP IT. The mop just pushes the pee around on the floor and it just makes a square of pee instead…

  • Another Visit With Steve the Hairstylist

    I visited Steve the Pricey Hairstylist again. Again, Steve tried to massage my head. Luckily, he asked this time instead of rubbing relentlessly on my protruding skull bones. “No, thanks, just a regular shampoo.” Perhaps if anyone had offered me wine my defenses might have been down and I would have been game. ‘Ho that…

  • Unreal

    My last Huge Project, before the Super-Secret Project, was the Death by Chemistry Project. We filled the test at the end with imaginative “real-life disaster” scenarios. It was ghoulish. We had a tornado hit an airport where containers of surface-cleaning acid spilled out on an parking lot that led to a propane tank yard next…