Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: March 2007

  • My MRI

    I actually got my MRI tonight (at seven POST meridian, thank you) and I am sure it will now sit on the doctor’s desk while he takes a month-long vacation. Seriously, his vacation starts Friday. As I slid into the machine, I thought two things: “MY GOD how fat am I? I don’t remember my…

  • Birthday Day

    Gary was born today, on March 20th, 1954. (I KNOW! Codger.) This caused confusion for quite some time in the S________ family, since Wilma established in her mind her baby was born on the first day of Spring. So, instead of memorizing the birthday of her then only child, she instead remembered that “Gary was…

  • Speed Dressing

    My dental appointment to get a temporary crown was today at seven AM. Ante Meridian! Sevvvvvvveeeeeeeeen! My plan was to be half asleep and snorting the nitrous. This required that I get up and out in a very short amount of time. As it happened, was there at 6:45, a quarter-hour even less ante the…

  • Welcome, Wilkommen, BienVenue, Come In…

    Yesterday at the Starbuck’s drive through: Gary: You’re new, aren’t you?Barista: Yup.Gary: Wait, aren’t you [female Barista]’s boyfriend?Barista: Yeah, I am. Gary: Well, welcome! Like it’s his own personal Starbucks.

  • Sick of Doctors

    Monday – I get lucky this weekend wake up with a bladder infection. After wasting forty-five minutes at the Primary doctors office, I find they have changed the rules and now instead of just looking at my urine they want to look at me. This means I have to make an appointment. I leave the…

  • The Story of New Guy, Part the Fifth

    (Previously on The Story of New Guy:New Guy: Montage of New Guy saying “Giggle Nipple! Nice Shoes! Fine Tight Ass! Playboy!”) Day 8 I’m working from home when I get this terse IM from Co-worker My Age:“Where the F%$# are you?”I know this was the day HR was to have gotten New Guy straightened out.…

  • The Story of New Guy, Part the Fourth

    (Previously on The Story of New Guy:New Guy: “Nipple!’”New Guy: “Thighs!’”New Guy: “Fine tight ass!”) Day 7 Provoked by the mass descent of three women on her office and rumors of inappropriate IM conversations, the Boss decides to take preemptive action the next morning and tell HR. HR will be having a little talk with…

  • The Story of New Guy, Part the Third

    (Previously on The Story of New Guy:Hot Young Coworker: “Everybody! Quit staring at my freaking BBBOOOOOOOOOOBBBBS!”New Guy stands about looking Reticent and Helpless.) Day 6 On the first day of his second week, New Guy decides he’d better get going if he intends to get fired before his benefits kick in. Strangely, he spends a…

  • The Story of New Guy, Part the Second

    (Previously on The Story of New Guy:New Guy: “Nice Shoes. Do you know what that means?”New Guy: “Oh, I got walked out of my last job for sexual harassment.”) Day 3New guy again starts the day with “Nice shoes.” In addition, he tells our co-worker, Hot Mom, that the buttons on the back of her…

  • The Story of New Guy, Part the First

    Ahhhh… you know how I hate keeping a secret, at least, I hate keeping my own secrets? And remember the day I was moved to tell you about my skanky pjs because HR made me keep my mouth shut? And you know how New Guy suddenly fell off the Big Map Of Mockery? Well, here’s…