Mail Ego

Ah, the fuss. The President wants a signing statement to allow the government to open my first-class mail. On the one hand, this doesn’t bother me because no one sends me first-class mail about personal things, like, which vibrator has won my heart this week. I save that for the Internets. On the other hand, it is about the only thing in my life that has the label “first-class.” Well, that, and the Sanctity of the U.S. Mail is yet another thing I learned in civics class that the President is pissing all over. Like:

Speedy Trials
Checks and Balances
All Men are Created Equal
Presumption of Innocence
The Geneva Convention
Habeas Corpus

(Have you all been watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann, by the way? KO is King of the Special Comments! I love the way he spits out “Mister President.” I love how he finishes the Special Comments with this aspect of “There. Good Night and Good Luck. Now go away. I … I just can’t look at you anymore.” Oh. Well, I guess I have to add “Objective Journalism” to the list.)

At any rate, I’ve been watching my first class mail for a few days to be sure no one sends me any little notes like: “Hey, are we still on for the revolution? Death to Infidels, XXXOOOO, Osama.”

All I’ve gotten is a holiday newsletter that describes an “interesting year,” with a dead puppy, a perfect golden child – seen her, she is – and a job loss.

BUT if you excise most of the words, you get this:

“Monsanto … genetic… lab … ball of energy … worked … it … decompresses … shopping malls … many …died.”

One the other hand, you can excise other words and get a more Republican point of view:

“Cutbacks … challenged… permanent … Warcraft.”

I can bring that up at my trial. Oh, wait! Trial? guess I can’t.