Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: June 2006

  • In Which We Visit the Crotch Doctor

    Crotch Doctors through the Years: Years 18-35: My first OB-GYN was an affable enough man who told me lies like “one sperm north of the knee can get you pregnant.” What happened to him, you ask, because Ellen we know you are nothing if not faithful complacent. He reacted to my diagnosis with “Well, since…

  • bastards.

    Or: In Which We Contemplate the Irony of Corporate America. Nestles has bought Jenny Craig. Getting us on the front end and on the fat flabby lumpy back end. I have said goodbye to Jenny, two months before my contract expired, because I am sick of them and because I have no willpower. And because…

  • This Just In: Hell Freezes Over

    This Just In: Hell Freezes Over

    This is Gary on Sunday… …before the Father’s Day Miracle happened. And now… … a little less happy but a lot less furry. And looking a little more like:

  • Whine

    (Wine snobs: perpare to condescend.) To my uneducated palate, beer tastes like flowers and wine tastes like stomach acid. (Or, as one philosophical friend ventured, perhaps my stomach acid tastes like wine.) There are some wines I like. Those would be the wines that tastes like Welches grape juice. Mogen David. There’s a wine. I…

  • Mormon Inquisition Debriefing

    My Mormon friend Stacey rules. (Hey! She should rule a planet! That’s how much she rules.) 1. She enjoyed the South Park “All About Mormons” episode and gave technical corrections when needed. 2. She laughed a big belly laugh at the end when the Mormon kid says “Suck my balls.” 3. She showed us a…

  • So So Romantic

    In a long-term relationship, what we love is what we hate. Gary, FOR EXAMPLE, is from Venus. He talks about his problems, he sniffles at movies, he loves chick lit. He’s also very nurturing and motherly and I love that. However, since he’s a girl, he screams at spiders and makes me do the plumbing.…

  • I See Movie People

    Well! Entertainment Weekly tells me an actor named Timothy Olyphant is in Saint Louis at this moment. I’ve never heard of him, but that’s because I’m waiting for this Deadwood show to end its run so I can watch the repeats with some idea of when its going to end. Like a Sweet November thing.…

  • Gary the Giver of the Red Herrings

    Okay. I remember Calvin Trillin wrote about his wife Alice the Economist and her law of Compensatory Cash Flow. (“Any luxury that you consider purchasing but then forgo releases a windfall cash flow that must be spent immediately or it will disappear.”) Gary has applied similar logic to his Dad’s Father’s Day gifts. I asked:…

  • The iPod of Prophecy

    Okay. Too early to think. Let the community think for me. Here are the directions: a) Find your iTunes library or iPod. b) Put it on Shuffle mode.c) Answer the following questions with the songs in the right order.d) Be amazed, amused, or left asking yourself “What the F? This makes no sense.”e) Pass it…

  • My Secret Life

    I was thinking of my niece and the massive secrets adults in her life coerced her into keeping. Like her Mom’s secret marriage. The S_______’s assume the proposition that all knowledge is secret. Any information passed from one S_______ to another ends with “of course, don’t tell [enter name of male member of the family]…