Category: In Which We Mock Our Employers

Work officially re-opened last week. I retired my bra-free denim shirt to conform to the revived dress code. You wouldn’t think they would care what I wear on a Zoom call, but they say they do. And then I steeled myself for the phone calls. “Ellen, where are you, it’s a party and everyone’s here…

I was in a meeting when someone mentioned that April showers bring May flowers, and of course I responded with,”Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote!” And then I stopped, because that’s all I know of Canterbury Tales, just the “April showers” part written in Middle English. A co-worker answered, “The droghte of March hath…

The TeddyJ powers that be are making optimistic plans to have us all back in the office in April. I think it’s April. I didn’t pay close attention because I will not be going back in the office, thank you, no. I’ll change over to home-based; the pay is the same. For those going in…

Years ago our department re-framed the Christmas Party into a “Festivus” party. Now that we have merged with the HR department, we attend a “Winter Celebration” party. I was excited about the Winter Celebration, because the invitation encouraged us to wear winter-themed costumes. I planned on donning my tiara, my rhinestones, a white boa, and…

There’s a new thing going on at some Zoom meetings at work. Let’s say the leader of a Zoom call drops some bad news. The team in the call behaves with utter professionalism, no one breaks stride, but one by one their zoom backgrounds turn to: A Kermit-sipping-tea meme with an annotation referencing the bad…

In the past, icebreakers at work were easy. “Say your name, your department, and one interesting thing about you –” and boom, born with an extra thumb, on to the next person. Ice breakers are harder now, because we have zoom meetings every day, and the extra thumb has very little impact after the first…

Twice in the last week I’ve heard a new term at work. “Swirly.” It means the swirl of chaos. “Everything was fine until the boss came in and then the meeting got all swirly.” Additionally, “I don’t know if it was the finger-pointing or the swirl, but that situation fell apart.” Is this just a…

I vaguely remember a work email that says we can dress in costume during a zoom party the Thursday before Halloween. The only thing that comes to mind this year is to put on my paper hazmat suit, and the swim goggles, and the air filter mask Gary used one time when killing bugs and…

Last Monday I dryly said something snide and a co-worker I had only met a week earlier said, “Oh, Ellen, I love you.” A few days later I heard the same declaration from my boss. This made me uncomfortable, because in one week my female coworkers said “I love you” two hundred percent more often…

I don’t remember the first of my coworkers to purchase a ring light or halo light for the Zoom calls. Pretty sure it was post-pandemic. Check out the pupils of Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies. He’s clearly working, and he’s paid to look like a rock star. I am not. However, my duties have recently…