Well, I am now the ashamed owner of a Tempur-Pedic adjustable bed. I really don’t like the idea at all. I suppose Gary has decided I need to start behaving like the elderly person he is. (Pauses to make a mildly vulgar sexual gesture.)
The night before it arrived I was catastrophising about how it wouldn’t fit, they would damage the room while installing it, all the usual two a.m. anxiety. I got up, found Gary, and expressed myself pointedly.
I went back to my non-adjustable bed, flopped down in a funk, and immediately thought of workarounds for every crisis.
- Mattress doesn’t fit in the sleigh bed frame? Just remove the never-seen side of the frame that’s directly against the wall.
- Room requires rearranging? Zoom calls would no longer have my closet doors as a backdrop, plus, move the hated air purifier into the closet and run it weekly.
- Mattress mechanism power cord will bend against the bed frame and start a fire? Rescue a flat plug strip from the power strip larder downstairs and thus consolidate all the visible cords by the window.
When the bed was finally successfully installed the next day Gary put a pillow case on his head and danced about.
I then elevated the head and foot a little and put on the fitted sheet, and again made the guttural sound when I lowered both sides and the sheet went taut.
I got in the bed and jacknifed the bed into maximum high-head-and-feet position. It made me into a human check mark. I flattened it, got out of bed, and did the same again: highest head, highest feet, and found that without my butt anchoring the mattress to the frame the mattress just kept going skyward, like a silver tray balanced aloft on the fingertips of a snooty waiter.
Later that evening I again assumed the jackknife position while watching TV and developed a backache. Gary reiterated what the saleswoman said, that it takes a month to soften up. And then — amazing — he invited me into his bed (joy!) so that he could lie in my bed and soften it up for me (despair).
I’m going to buy new bedclothes for it this weekend. That might help me see more of the positives.