I am lucky in that I’ve never even had polyps, even after three colonoscopies, so three years ago I got to opt for Cologuard at-home tests instead of being fully sedated, live and on-camera.
The one at-home Cologuard exam I took in 2022 was a cakewalk. I see that I was all blasé about whether they’d get it before or after Memorial Day.
This time though they sent me an email after three days that said, essentially, “You haven’t sent it back yet.”
I DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS SOME KIND OF SPEED-POOPING TEST. You give me three days? You don’t know me at ALL.
I feel obliged to send an email back that says “Stress causes constipation. You aren’t helping.”
The other thing that isn’t helping is that the UPS store closes in an hour and a half, and after that I can’t drop off any return delivery until Monday. And the return delivery has a “shelf life” of one day. I am certain that when the clock chimes three my stupid body is going to release the hounds and I will provide wasted samples during just the perfect window of too late and too soon.
Everything would have been fine without that email. If there’s a follow-up email we might have words.
One response to “I might rather have a colonoscopy”
KC – I am just thankful that I don’tt have to go in to work. I do feel like a ticking time bomb though.