I was painting in the basement when I heard a scrabbling noise. It came from the top of the basement wall.
Then I heard some some soft grunting.
“GARY GET DOWN HERE THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE BASEMENT.”
(faintly, from upstairs) “Do I need my bat?”
“NO JUST GET DOWN HERE,” because seriously, can you picture Gary clubbing an animal to death with a bat?
Gary came down and we both listened to the animal scrabbling and grunting.
He said, “Well, it’s getting cold, critters are trying to get in to the house.”
I mentioned that the patio has dropped and they can walk right in between our sub floor and the basement ceiling, and he said “let them.”
I disagreed. I suspect this is not the first critter to sneak in, given the way the basement smells now.
We never saw the basement animal, but the next day we heard the tell-tale signs of a squirrel sitting on our chimney cap. Their claws scrape, and it echoes, and you would think they were playing American Ninja Warrior in the fireplace.
I reassured Gary that every other time I’ve heard this noise I’ve looked outside and there is a squirrel sitting on the chimney cap. Not this time.
I came in. Gary shushed me. “Listen.”
Tell-tale fluttering. A bird. A invisible bird banging around in the fireplace. Gary threatened to take the ladder up to the roof and dismantle the chimney and release the bird, while I said, “It got in. It can get out.”
While he went off to research how long it takes for a bird to die of thirst, I opened and shut the flue three times, loudly.
Haven’t heard the bird since. Still, something needs to be done. Time to block off the easy access to the house.
8 responses to “Critters”
Oh, dear. Yes. Things need to not be in your house uninvited.
We used to get birds falling down the chimney occasionally when I was a kid, but that was a full-on two-story chimney and they could quite definitely not fly all the way back up, so there were occasional rounds of attempting to capture/guide the panicked now-soot-covered bird from the fireplace out the front door. Mechanism: everyone available has a rag-towel or similar; you close all the curtains and turn off all the lights and open the front door so it’s the clear direction to fly towards if the bird does get loose; one person is tasked with opening the fireplace, and one with trying to catch the bird in the opened fireplace, and then the kids try to block undesired-paths with towels (please bird do not fly into the kitchen PLEASE). Sometimes the bird was successfully toweled and then released outside; other times it flew pretty well out the front door; other times it went other directions first, and man, that was a mess. (bird+soot+ash: apply to living room furnishings until it’s shooed out the front door: not ideal)
If you have breakable objects around, also remove those before letting a freaked-out bird into the room. Sigh.
KC – orrrr.. let the bird die in the chimney. It depends in your family values. My family would have said, Darwin was right, Gary’s family would send the bird to college.
But then you have to clean out a dead bird, ideally before it rots. (I mean, also they made a lot of noise walloping around inside the fireplace stove. and the kids would object.)
We definitely did not send the birds to college, though. If captured, we didn’t even try to clean them off or feed them: out the door you go, good luck!
KC – I can’t think that birds smell bad when they rot. Mammals, sure, but that’s the fat. Birds don’t have enough meat to rot.
They do. Sorry, but they do. (or at least can; see: Dead Pigeon. Or even just the styrofoam tray from chicken that’s been in the kitchen garbage can for three days.)
KC – well, I thought about the chicken, but they’re bred to have a lot of fat. I’ve never seen or smelled a dead pigeon out here in the suburbs, but I take your word for it.
I mean, it’s basically all about whether the dead animal of whatever sort desiccates before stinky decomposition wanders along or not. So. Humidity and warmth? You’re gonna have stink with almost anything. The dead critter ends up freeze-dried? Probably no stink. (this is how, in theory, certain rat poisons work; they kill the rat by dehydration so that 1. it dies and 2. it does not stink in your walls so much)
KC – there were distinct gnawing sounds under my window last night. I banged on the window and they stopped.