For Sale: Playboy Mansion

You can buy the Playboy Mansion for 200M, but Hefner gets to stay there until he dies.

He has a 29 year old wife. Why isn’t she working? Does she get to stay? None of the new reports I’ve seen cover this detail.

The obvious answer is that Playboy corporation buys it and makes it a museum. I’ve read that it’s considered a “tear-down,” but I bet Graceland was considered a tear-down as well.

I’d like to buy it. I’d dig up my Dad’s ashes and transport them to the Grotto. He’d love that. Oh, wait, I forgot, his ashes are fully blended with Mom’s ashes. That won’t work.

I could buy it and make it into a Bunny Retirement Home. I like to think of Hef surrounded by nothing but equally old ladies. Old naked ladies, because of course they’d all have to be naked. (Let’s be honest, I’d be naked too.) Maybe I’d let the elderly bunnies wear one of those thong incontinence pads, otherwise the floors would be covered with pee, and that would be a hazard. But would walkers slip on pee? I guess it’s a trade-off: bare-naked bunnies on walkers, or corked up bunnies without walkers.

Cleary there would need to be an age limit. Exceptions to the age limit would be made if you pass a weight limit. The fat bunnies can clean up after the old bunnies (I’m deciding on full nudity with pee). But the young bunnies need to be really wall-scraping fat, like 600 pounds. In MY mansion it will be easier for Hef to pass through a fat bunny’s thighs than for a hot bunny to enter the kingdom of Playboy.

Wait, what am I thinking? We need young hot men to run the place, and they all have to be scantily clad specimens. How can we be sure Hef sees impossible airbrushed versions of them all the time? I bet he has a security system in his off-limits bedroom. The security camera feed is fuzzy and at a flattering angle already.

Maybe it would be enough to just slide a photo of a gorgeous young man under Hef’s door every morning. No, every month.