The Most Awkward Social Gaffe You Can Imagine, or, My iPhone is Evil

I’m going to have to bore you with minutiae before I tell you about the most horrifying faux pas I have ever inflicted upon my friends.

Today I was in a text conversation with three of my friends. There was a pause in the conversation and I put the phone back in my purse without leaving the conversation.

I worked for about six minutes, then I got up and had a conversation in the hall with Jumper Lady. I complimented this woman at length last week about a cute jumper she had on. I asked her in the hall if the jumper she had on today was the same jumper she had on last week. Yes, it was.

Then, I stopped in the bathroom to do what one does in the bathroom and to check my phone.

There was a weird symbol in the text message screen that looked like an audio file. “What is that,” I thought, as I joined the conversation again. “It looks like an audio file.” I hit a button thinking I could play a bit of it, and then suddenly it was on another part of the screen. Like, I had sent it to my friends.

“Oh no, I thought. “That came from me? My phone recorded me behind my back?”

Did I butt-text my friends?

Take a moment to imagine how bad this recording could be. After I mentioned I was in the bathroom, Marcia certainly had a good time speculating. I didn’t dare listen to it while I was still in the bathroom, because I didn’t have any earbuds, and what might I have broadcast?

I freaked out that my phone might have blackmailed me and turned it off until I got back to my desk.

I had to sit at my desk and listen to four minutes of total silence until I heard …

“Is that the same jumper? I love that jumper!”

“Noooooooo,” I thought, “Nooo. Maybe it cuts off before I go in the bathroom.”

Noooooo. Doesn’t. The last bit is:

1, Door opens.

2, Flush! (I did some pre-flushing).

3. Ploop! (A delicate little high-pitched ploop sound. Nothing to be ashamed of.)

4. Deafening peeing sounds.

5. Me taking the phone out of my purse.

6. And finally a distinct computer plink AS I ACCIDENTALLY SEND THE AUDIO FILE OF ME PLOOPING AND PEEING TO MY FRIENDS.

Sheesh. I will not live this down any time soon, especially since I recently chastised them for breaking the Bathroom Social Contract and talking in the bathroom, instead of adopting Total Bathroom Deafness, as you do. “I will never pee in front of you again,” I said.

So I guess my phone must have heard me and decided to have a little fun.