Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: September 2013

  • The Little Hat

    I was helping Mom with a house purge when I was in my thirties, and I found what looked like a little light-blue doll-sized rubber beret with a tiny rolled rim. I figure it was hardware; Mom held on to every piece of useless hardware just in case she might need it later. So I…

  • Almost Wordless Friday

    Start with two loofahs, party lights, a flexible hose … and then … …oh, and pink spray paint for the hose. Updated: Whoops – I got the ovaries and the fimbriae transposed. Good thing I haven’t made it yet.

  • Tater Rain

    We were a post-dinner still life: I was planted on the couch and Gary was in the chair. At some point after dinner I tidied up. I resumed my position and didn’t move again until Gary went for the chips. “Don’t eat all the chips,” I scolded, because he does that: if he starts onsomething…

  • The Con Artists are Out to Get Me: OR Suburban Paranoia

    Possible Con Artist One A man called Monday, asking to speak to Bobby. It took a while to convince the Befuddled Old Man there was no Bobby. A minute later he called back. “Still no Bobby here. Really, you have the wrong number.” A minute after that he called back again and left a message,…

  • In Which I Am Shocked

    In prepation for the MenoParty (subtitled “Dead. Aunt Flo. Dead.”) I ordered these tasteful, discreet chocolate molds shaped like birth control packs. Imagine my surprise when I opened the padded envelope and pulled out a mold that did not look at all like birth control. It took a moment to figure out what it was,…

  • I Am a Changed Woman

    Gary said, “does this mean you’re going to start acting MORE like a man?”

  • Friday the 13th

    Friday the 13th was a mix of good and bad luck. Bad Luck As bad luck would have it, I was working hard when the gynecologist called with my blood test results. This means I’ll have to wait till Monday to find out what the assistant’s chipper tone on the message meant. Bad Luck Hubris…

  • Aint No Party Like a Menopause Party

    I had my blood drawn today and if all goes well I shall be deemed Paused, Barren, Beyond the Great Witherment. I have never been SO excited about a potential test result EVER. Because why? Because of the party. Gotta have a MenoParty. Little girls get Menarche Parties (in some circles), so my circle is…

  • Wednesday Is the First Day of the Rest of My Life

    So exciting! I scheduled a hormone blood test for Wednesday that will tell me if I am past my “prime,” if by prime you mean Grade A USDA Approved fleshy meat reproductive parts. I shall find if those parts are dry aged beef or if they are still drippy. I must have a blood test…

  • Dream Report

    Gary’s Mom You know how Gary has the Big House Dreams? He mentioned it to his Mom and she has them too. Big House, usually run-down, often invaded by strangers. I never thought dreams could be genetic, but if neurosis can run in families (trucks!) I suppose dreams could too. Me I’ve never had a…