There’s a new employee at work. I tell you, I am terrified. There’s a countdown ticking till I say something inappropriate to him. Other people can wait for the new person to embarrass herself. I jump right in and embarrass myself first.
Oh, here’s an example. In Chicago I met the husband of one of Hot Mom’s friends. Within minutes I was asking his opinion of a college boyfriend’s experimental masturbation with Vaseline and a rolled up slab of liver. In minutes, I tell you. I can not tell you what his opinion was because the conversation shut down immediately.
(I’d be more than happy to hear your opinions, though.)
So now, there’s this new employee, and he’s a real straight arrow as far as I can tell, and then Monday a new female employee ariives, so TWO people to not talk to when more than anything I want to hump their legs and ask them about their salaries.
12 responses to “The Social Pressure of Meeting New People”
Oh, just go ahead and take the plunge. The Liver Incident sounds like something out of Philip Roth’s Portnoy’s Complaint (or was it Goodbye, Columbus?), so you could ask if they’ve ever read any Philip Roth. Expect them to say no and they will give you the perfect opportunity to talk about liver and masturbation. There. Done and done.
I’ve found that where I work, I’m one of the oldest (if not THE oldest) women there. The frilly new girls come and go but they sure as hell aren’t speaking of Michelangelo. A new baby attorney started a month ago. I anxiously await his first paycheck so he can go out and buy some clothes that actually fit him, instead of looking like he’s wearing Daddy’s old suit.
Well, I would think the liver would be kind of cold. And you could warm it up, but if you cooked it, it would lose its texture.
Is this the same impulse as looking over the edge of a precipice and fighting the urge to jump?
Becs – Michaelangelo – nice! Only… I’ve never read any Philip Roth.Amy in StL – I think he ran hot water over it . I heard the details in the early 80s. Regina – Well, only I always jump …
I usually just pee on something in front of the new hire thus establishing my dominance.
Zayrina -Better than head butting.
Amy in StL- now that I think if it, I was more horrified that he washed it off and wrapped it back up in the butcher paper.
That is definitely the most horrifying part.
Caroline – well, perhaps the Vaseline created a fluid barrier.
I read “Portnoy’s Complaint” – it’s no “Goodbye Columbus”, that’s for sure.
I never want to know anyone else’s salary, for fear that the knowledge will depress me. So I don’t look.
Tami – I did see someone else’s salary by accident once. Off by twenty bucks. No big deal.
you can mention the woman who had her breasts removed because of breast cancer then went toppless at a swimming pool and got kicked out.that was an intersting icebreaker
Mrs Hall – That would be typical.